


I Need U

by nxmjooons



Series: I Need U [1]
Category: ATEEZ (Band), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Bottom Kim Namjoon | RM, Dom Kim Seokjin | Jin, Dom Park Seonghwa, Established Jung Hoseok | J-Hope/Min Yoongi | Suga, Established Kim Taehyung | V/Park Jimin, It has a happy ending though so don't worry my friends, Kim Namjoon | RM is Bad at Feelings, Kim Namjoon | RM is a Mess, Kim Seokjin | Jin is Whipped, M/M, Min Yoongi | Suga protects Kim Namjoon | RM, Park Jimin is a Ray of Sunshine (BTS), Previous Park Seonghwa x Kim Namjoon | RM, Seonghwa and Namjoon are friends, Sub Kim Namjoon | RM, This fic is a literal mess, This fic is a whirlwind of angst, Top Kim Seokjin | Jin, Top Park Seonghwa, mentions of lee taeyong - Freeform, post bts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:08:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 27,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27888796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nxmjooons/pseuds/nxmjooons
Summary: It goes round & round, why do I keep coming back? I go down & down, at this point, I’m just a fool. Whatever I do, I can’t help it… It’s definitely my heart, my feelings... but why don’t they listen to me?Or.Namjoon and Jin have had a rocky past. Can they move on from their problems and grow together or are they just making another mistake?
Relationships: Jung Hoseok | J-Hope/Min Yoongi | Suga, Kim Namjoon | RM/Kim Seokjin | Jin, Kim Taehyung | V/Park Jimin
Series: I Need U [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2088936
Comments: 36
Kudos: 92





	1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One :** _ Repressed Memories _

  
  


**SEOKJIN POV**

“Have a good evening, Seokjin-ah.” Bang PD gave him a pat on the back. Jin bowed in respect, thanked him, and told the older to have a nice night as well before he gathered his things and walked outside the film studio. Another gig down, two more to finish.

It was October 13th, 2021. It had been 8 years and three months since he debuted in what would eventually be the biggest kpop group in history: BTS. It had been three and a half years since BTS’ last life performance… and two years and three months since the group disbanded. Now, everyone kind of went off on their different ways, doing different things. Jin stayed under BigHit Entertainment as a soloist and finally took up some ideas for acting but only in small commercials. He had two more commercial gigs left before he would get some time off… and then begin working on his new solo album that is yet to be announced.

A limo was waiting for him outside the giant building, the driver standing by the door. As their eyes met, the driver smiled kindly and opened the door for Jin, who thanked him as he got in. Fastening his seatbelt, he instantly took out his phone and the dark car was soon somewhat illuminated by the electronic’s screen. He began to skim through the articles that had been posted throughout the day as the driver began to take him back to his penthouse in the live city.

**_Jimin and Taehyung - BigHit Entertainment or SM Entertainment?_ **

Jin soaked in the article in regards to his new friends. After the group broke up, everyone kept in touch however, changed up their lives quite a bit. Jimin and Taehyung opened a studio where they focused on educating and tutoring trainees. It was mostly for those who were interested in being a vocalist; however, they did include some choreography lessons within their vocal lessons for the trainees. Now, they were getting calls from several entertainment companies in Korea, asking if they could come in and judge a group of trainees or even train. Occasionally they declined, but often they accepted these offers. It really just depended on their schedule (or so Jimin said).

As Jin continued to read, his eyes widened at the next paragraph. “Despite running a studio, the two of them also agreed to sign a five year contract with SM Entertainment.” the article read, and Jin closed out of the app to text Jimin and Tae. He got a response from Tae first, and then Jimin.

According to the both of them, they agreed to sign a contract for duets. They’d be releasing music together but not at a fast pace. There was trouble with the contract first due to their studio but SM ended up caving and agreeing to let them keep the studio.

_ It’s probably because of our faces. We have such a high profile and I’m sure SM is going to bring in a lot of fans and a lot of money by having us there. _

Jimin joked in one of his final messages, making Jin chuckle. He said bye to both of them, wishing them luck with a smile on his face as his text was sent. A feeling of warmth blanketed his body as he exited the page to look through more articles. He was proud of how far Jimin and Tae had come… and the idea that they were successful and together (like - together).

**_Yoongi and J-Hope Take a Beach Date_ **

Jin grinned at the next headline, easily skimming through the article and briefly looking at the photos included. He already knew Yoongi and Hoseok had been together, they had been for about a year before the 7 of them disbanded. Though he was a little jealous of their relationship, Jin was more so happy. Ever since they broke up after their concert on April 7th, 2019, they went public with their relationship. BigHit Entertainment had asked everyone if they’d be willing to come back on a contract. Unfortunately, out of the seven original members… only four returned. Jin, Yoongi, and Hoseok were three of them.

Jin told BigHit he would come back and work as a soloist. Yoongi and Hoseok too, told the company they would return to work as soloists - but under a few conditions: They would be able to publicly be together, they could work together (and release music as a duet) if they wished, and they wouldn’t have to constantly be releasing content because the both of them together just recently opened a clothing company. At first, many BigHit employees were wary and didn’t agree with the terms set in place but Bang PD shot many of his company’s employees down, pulling the CEO card. He instantly granted Yoongi and Hoseok their wishes, thus leading them to their lives now. They are in the midst of releasing new content but the release date hasn’t been exposed.

**_Jungkook of JYP Entertainment and Taeyong of SM Entertainment Said to Release a New Song by the End of November_ **

Jin’s eyes widened at this. Out of everyone, Jungkook was one of the people Jin didn’t really talk to much. There were occasionally texts, voicemails, letters, and comments under social media but the both of them had been swamped, especially Jungkook. He’s a full time soloist for JYP Entertainment, and he seemed happier than he had been for a while. He didn’t mind working under BigHit Entertainment… but he wanted to experience a different company, thus being the ultimate reason as to him shooting down the contract offer from BigHit. Bang PD was pretty understandable in regards to Jungkook’s reasonings… but he couldn’t hide the sadness from his face.

Jin shot a text to Jungkook: 

_ Good luck with your new duet! I hope we can go out and get some drinks together in the future. Get me some free tickets ;)  _

He instantly got a response.

_ Thanks, Hyung! I’ll be sure to save you a ticket, don’t worry :) _

Jin returned to the news app, scrolling through more articles before his eyes caught a familiar name. His heart dropped, as did his smile and overall mood. He felt heavy, and the air felt hot.

**_Namjoon Inspires Art in the Streets of Seoul_ **

The limo came to a stop. Jin was shaken out of his thoughts and closed his phone, not bothering to look through the article. He slipped his phone in his pocket as the door was opened for him. Thanking the limo driver once again, he made his way into the lobby of the building where his penthouse was located, found the elevator, and chose the very top floor.

Once Jin was in the comfort of his home, he showered and changed his wear from the jeans and sweater he was wearing to some comfortable sweatpants and another black sweater, specific for lounging. Choosing the only opened bottle of whiskey he had on his counter, the man poured himself a glass before downing it all in one go, pouring himself another. He grabbed his phone, turned on the television, and sat down.

“Don’t look at me like that. I’m the tired one. You’ve been in this comfortable home all day.” Jin turns his head to look at his white labrador, who was slumped next to him on the sofa. The lab didn’t move her head, she only thumped her tail against the soft cushion a few times. Jin chuckled softly to himself, running his fingers through the soft fur.

Clicking the television on, Jin found his way to Netflix where he continued season 3, episode 16 of the Vampire Diaries - one of his guilty pleasures. His mind however, didn't want to let him rest so while his eyes were on the screen, his head wandered, no longer processing the noise emitting from the speakers.

Jin’s phone went off, bringing him back from his whirlwind of thoughts.

_ “Jimin”  _ the contact label at the top of his iPhone read. Confused, he answered.

“Hello hyung! Are you busy right now!” Jimin’s voice was quite loud.

“No. Wh-”

“Are you home right now, hyung?”

“Yes. Wh-”

“Awesome!” the line was cut and Jin looked down at his screen. He was about to call the younger male back when there was a buzz at his door. Snowie, his lab, instantly shot up and barked. On his phone, the cameras showed Jimin outside, holding what appeared to be take out. He had a big smile plastered on his face as he waved at the camera. Jin only chuckled.

Setting down his glass of whiskey, he opened the door. Before he could say anything, the shorter male was attacking him with affection.

“Hello hyung! It’s so good to see you!” he squealed as he embraced Jin quickly before shoving past him. He made his way to the lavish kitchen counters, where he set down the bags of take out. “I brought food, I hope you’re hungry!”

“Thank you, Jimin-ah.” Jin smiled, following him at a slower pace. “What brings you here tonight, though? Where’s Tae?”

“Tae and Kook went out to get some drinks together. He invited me but I told him that he should go catch up with Kook. Yoongi and Hobi hyung are on a date tonight and-” Jimin paused, not knowing if he should mention  _ the  _ name. “Anyway,” he continued after his brief cut off, “I knew you were free because I may or may not have woo-ed your limo driver…” the smaller male smiled innocently. While his brief pause brought back some painful memories, a smile had still found Jin’s face… and warmth still found his heart.

“What did you bring?” Jin finally spoke, hands grabbing for the plastic bags Jimin had set on his counter. Jimin spoke as Jin had answered his own questions.

“Kimchi ramen and some snacks. I was hoping we could watch a movie or something toni- oh! Is that the Vampire Diaries?” Jimin just about squealed, his smile only becoming brighter. Of the years he’s known the younger male, Jin was never aware that Jimin was even remotely  _ into _ the same show as him.

“Yes.” he finally responded with a chuckle. The shorter male was practically glowing with excitement.

“Awesome. I’m on season 4 but we can watch where you left off!” Jin nodded in agreement. Together, they grabbed a few napkins, drinks, and made themselves comfortable on Jin’s large sofa.

After a few episodes, their main course had been finished and the snacks were opened. Slowly eating at the snacks, the two of them had decided to give their stomachs a break. Jimin lay underneath Jin, the taller in between his legs, head on his chest. As the episode rolled on, Jimin’s fingers continuously carded their way through Jin’s soft dark hair. The both of them were comfortably warm… the position bringing back old memories and feelings.

However, that feeling didn’t last too long for Jin. Not when Jimin broke the silence.

“Have you talked to him yet, hyung..?” his voice was barely audible but Jin heard it clearly. His mind replayed the question before blowing up with all these painful memories… memories that made him happy… memories that he could no longer grow or recreate. His heart felt heavy as he took a shuddering breath. Jimin could feel the tension rising in Jin’s body and he wrapped his arms around his hyung.

“I’m sorry. I know it wasn’t right of me to bring it up but… you haven’t talked about it with anyone. You’ve just been bottling it up and truth be told, I know it’s tearing you up…” the younger continued, “Please don't shut me out. Please, just talk to me.”

Jin took a moment to contemplate whether it was worth discussing or not. Jimin was right. He knew that - and so did Jimin, apparently. Ever since the incident, Jin hadn’t been the same. He never talked about how he felt… nor did Namjoon, from what he knew at least. Jin didn’t have it in him to relive the worst moment of his life. He didn’t want to think about it but he found throughout the months, that as time went by, pushing down how he felt only made him more miserable. However, he had already dug himself that hole… so he figured he would just leave himself to lay there.

Maybe he should stop sabotaging his health…

“No.” he finally responded after a long moment of silence. His voice was a whisper, but Jimin caught the words. “I haven’t talked to him since the break up - I can’t bring myself to. I know I hurt him… I just thought what I was doing was - was right.”

Jimin pressed his lips to the top of Jin’s head. Such an intimate gesture, but that was normal when it came to Jimin. He always kissed everyone - on the cheek, head, hand… he was extremely affectionate (especially physically). He didn’t mean it in any other way than friendship though, and everyone knew that.

“I’m sorry for asking-”

“No, no. Please, you’ve got nothing to apologize for, Jimin-ah. You’re just being a caring friend and you’re right. I haven’t talked about it… and I’ve come to the realization that not opening up isn’t healthy I just… I didn’t want to burden any of you with my heartbreak.” Jin sighed, his arms wrapping around Jimin’s side just a little tighter.

“He hasn’t talked to any of us, either…” Jimin continued, “He’s been essentially radio silent. Short text messages here and there but… they’re never long enough or frequent enough to be considered a conversation.” Jimin mumbled.

“Really..?”

“Yeah. He’s the only one none of us know much about anymore. Where he’s at with life, how he’s feeling, his schedule. He mostly sends us to voicemail or leaves us all on seen.” Jimin rambled before pausing, apologizing once more. “This is supposed to be about you.”

“It’s okay, Jimin-ah.” Jin smiled softly, turning his head so his chin was resting on Jimin’s chest. The younger male looked down at him, his eyes gentle but sad… like Jin’s.

“We don’t have to talk about it anymore, if you don’t want to, hyung.” Jimin assured him but Jin shook his head in refusal.

For the next few hours, they talked. Jin poured out his heart. He expressed how he felt about the disbandment, the heartbreak, his recent life in such beautiful words it could be written into a sad song. He broke down a couple of times, but Jimin still listened, gently calming him, hugging him, occasionally sharing his own story. However, he wasn’t as mentally torn at the moment as his hyung so he didn’t have much to share other than advice and a few jokes, which Jin chuckled at.

It felt nice to the older male, to finally be able to express his emotions and get the weight off his chest and shoulders. It had been a while since he had been able to breathe easier without all this guilt, pain, and emptiness. He didn’t feel as numb or lost as he did before. He felt a little more put back together than when he woke up that morning.

Eventually though, their conversation had to come to an end and Jimin said goodnight. He helped Jin clean up the penthouse before leaving for his own home. Once again, Jin was left alone with his dog and thoughts… but, he also felt lighter than he typically did when he was alone.

Shutting off the lights, locking the door, and rigging his security system, Jin made his way to bed. As soon as he was curled up in his blankets, he heard the light click of nails against the wood floor of his penthouse. Knowing it was Snowie making her way to curl up with him, Jin threw back the blanket. Only seconds later did the mattress dip and something warm and soft was pressed against his bottom. Jin covered himself and his dog back up again and let exhaustion take over his body. He fell into a deep slumber, forgetting about his worries for one night.


	2. Chapter 2

**_Chapter Two:_ ** _ Broken Lover’s Quarrel _

  
  


**SEOKJIN POV**

Inhaling the sweet scent of his morning coffee, Jin took a sip while he watched the news, which blared on his television. Essentially, it was just a bunch of repeats of the articles he read last night with a few new announcements. However, he turned the television off when the reporters began to talk about Namjoon. He knew he should’ve just let it play, maybe it’ll help make his life easier but he didn’t have the energy to listen to his name get mentioned.

His morning went smoothly. He went on a jog with Snowwie, took a shower, did some laundry, and at around 11:30 AM, Jin was dressed and ready to begin his day. He didn’t have any shoots for his gig’s scheduled today, but that didn’t mean he had the entire day off. He woke up with a text from one of his producers, asking if Jin could make it to BigHit so they could discuss the revisions made on a few of his songs.

“Good morning, sir.” his limo driver said, bowing respectfully. Jin returned the gesture, smiling. He thanked his driver for holding the door open and officially, his commute to BigHit Entertainment’s building began.

  
  


* * *

  
  


**NAMJOON POV**

“Mmm… no, I want that over here. It flows better with the other pieces.” Namjoon said softly to his team, who was helping him prepare his new museum in Seoul for its grand opening, which would be in about two weeks. The team nodded and moved the art they were holding to the area Namjoon had vocally preferred.

Ever since he and the group broke up, he was the one who had become the most distant. He always thought he would stay in touch constantly with everyone from the group but… he just couldn’t bring himself to. Instead, he focused on one of his longest dreams: creating a company dedicated to inspiring young artists across not only South Korea but the world.

His popularity throughout the world made it easier than he had thought because despite the fact that BTS broke up, ARMY was still super supportive of their new occupations. Opening the company was a lot of work but it wasn’t as nearly as complicated as Namjoon had thought it would be. Quickly, word about his goals traveled and he was now opening a museum filled with different people’s art a year before schedule.

Namjoon’s company had grown so quickly it was scary but also amazing. He’s always getting phone calls about gigs and what not but he often has to decline these gigs for multiple reasons. He already has a gig scheduled, he has a meeting, or something to do with his company, or he has responsibilities to take care of as a part time solo artist.

Namjoon decided to still pursue music but he’s doing that alone. He’s under contract with BigHit Entertainment and he’s just recently begun recording his songs for the music video however, with his grand opening coming up, he’s been traveling around Seoul quite a bit. His schedule was completely packed. He gets up at his museum at around 6:00 AM to begin his day and doesn’t get home and in bed until 10:00 PM. Recently, running with only 5 hours of sleep (if he’s lucky), the bags under his eyes have been getting worse. Thankfully, his makeup artists had quite the talent.

“Let’s just set this last art piece over there too, and then we can continue on Monday.” Namjoon smiled sweetly as his team scrambled. Everyone cleaned up and said goodbye. The idol was left alone in the museum, looking around, thinking quietly to himself. Then, his phone went off. It was a message from Hobi.

**_Hoseok:_ ** _ Hey Joon-ah! Are you busy later tonight, say around 8:00 PM? I’m throwing a party at the company. It’s small, nothing too big but I was hoping you’d be able to make it. _

Namjoon thought to himself for a moment, then texted back Hoseok.

**_Namjoon:_ ** _ I’ll talk to my producers. I’m sure they’ll let me leave two hours early. _

He finally responded and Hoseok sent a text to express his gratitude and excitement - which Namjoon didn’t respond to. He left him on seen as he closed up his museum, rigged the security systems, and locked the doors. His chauffeur greeted him with a smile.

Namjoon got to BigHit Entertainment at around 13:30 PM. He had asked his driver to stop at a local bakery so he could get a coffee and some fresh baked goods for the production team and for lunch, purchasing some coffee and lunch for his driver, too. He always treated his driver with utmost respect, fed him regularly, even though he wasn’t required too, and got him and his family gifts for the holidays.

“I don't need a ride tonight.” Namjoon said as he thanked his driver outside of the company, “I’m attending a party early tonight and Jimin-ah is coming to pick me up. Thank you for your kindness today and travel home safely.” the idol smiled, bowing respectfully before saying goodbye. He disappeared inside the doors.

  
  


* * *

  
  


**SEOKJIN POV**

“That’s the last of the concerns. How far are you along with your other tracks?” the producer asked and Jin opened his briefcase, handing him a file of papers.

“I’m working on finishing the last song right now but these are the other songs. If you want to go through them and just contact me when you’re finished and we can talk about them.” Jin responded kindly as the producer took the folder, eyes quickly skimming his work. The producer agreed. The both of them stood up, shook hands, and said their goodbyes as Jin had a few errands to run before tonight.

As he exited the production room, he wasn’t paying much attention. He was reading the text messages Hoseok had sent him and before he knew, he was bumping into a warm body.

“Oh my, I’m so sorry! I should’ve been pay-” Jin trailed off as he realized who he had bumped into. Time froze right then and the air became instantly heavy. He could feel the feeling of loneliness creeping back into his heart as he peered into those familiar, yet sad eyes.

“Namjoon.” He finally choked out, but the younger male didn’t directly say anything, He just gave Jin a quick, pained smile before mumbling sorry before walking around Jin and disappearing into one of the other production rooms.

Jin stood there, shocked. He knew Namjoon had signed a contract with BigHit as a soloist, too. Several of the company’s employees wanted him and Jin to write and produce a few songs together however, the both of them refused. Well, Jin wasn’t opposed to it. He only refused because he had heard that Namjoon turned down those ideas first. It pained him because all throughout their career as BTS idols, they discussed the idea of releasing a song together. They talked about how their voices would merge so beautifully and they even came up with ideas for their songs however, they never got to act upon those ideas. Jin still had the copies of the songs they wrote… packed away safely in a drawer at his penthouse… hopelessly hanging onto the thought that perhaps one day, they can perform these songs.

It was when he got a strange look from one of the people passing him in the hall that broke his train of thought. Shaking his head and cursing at himself, he walked down the hall and made his way out of the company, not looking back. Once he was in the comfort of his limo, he responded to the several emails and texts he had received from Hoseok, a few producers, and a few publicists who were inviting him for other gigs.

  
  


* * *

  
  


“Jin-hyung! It’s so good to see you!” Hobi beamed up at the taller male, who was holding cookies and cupcakes. Jin smiled sweetly down at his friend, leaning into the side hug that he gave him. He would fully wrap his arms around Hobi if he wasn’t holding sweets.

“It’s good to see you too, Hoseok.” Jin walked in through the door, which Hobi had closed when he was inside. He saw Yoongi and Jungkook talking, along with a few familiar faces. There were a few producers they got along well with, some idols Jin recognized, and then faces he had never seen at all. However, he assumed that they probably work with Hoseok and Yoongi’s new fashion line.

Jin set the baked sweets down where Hoseok told him to and then mingled, drink in hand. He caught up with Yoongi, talked with a few idols, and introduced himself to some other people on their new company’s team. He sipped at his alcoholic beverage slowly, not wanting to get super tipsy so early within the night… however, the next three people to walk in through the door made him guzzle the rest of his drink…

“Yoongi and Hoseok-hyung!!!” Jimin shoved the bags he was holding in Tae’s hands before jumping into Yoongi’s arms. The older wasn’t prepared for it but instantly hugged him back, his familiar gummy smile plastering his face. Hoseok laughed and ran his fingers through Jimin’s hair, which was now dark blue with black streaks. Last night, when Jimin came over, his hair was just black. Now _ ,  _ it wasn’t.

However, it wasn’t Tae or Jimin that had made him chug his drink and grab a second one. It was who they brought with them, wearing a dark grey turtleneck complimented by a red leather jacket and paired nicely with black jeans. Namjoon’s sense of fashion had shifted - in Jin’s eyes, anyways. He went from oversized hoodies and sweaters, comfort clothes essentially to something darker of the essence. Or maybe he was over analyzing the former leader - yeah, that seemed to be a better explanation.

The moment their eyes met from across the room, it was as if time had frozen. It was silent except of the quick thumping of his heart and blood pulsing through his veins. He could feel his entire body becoming hot. Namjoon was the first to tear his gaze away, dipping down to mumble something in Taehyung’s ear before he slithered through the crowd. Jin didn’t bother to chase him down visually or physically. Instead, he chugged his second glass.

“What’s stressing you out?” he heard a familiar voice behind him as he was reaching for a third glass. He hesitated before turning around, eyes meeting a familiar gaze. The woman smiled kindly, handing him a glass of water. Something he much needed rather than alcohol. With a thank you, he took the glass and drank, the cool water soothing and pleasant to his body. Perhaps he should’ve not chugged two glasses of whatever was in this punch drink mixture…

“I would rather not talk about it.” Jin finally answered the question and Halsey nodded. “What brings you to Korea?”

“I’m shooting a music video. Hoseok found out I was in town and invited me.” she responded with a smile, drinking from her glass of water.

The two of them talked for a few minutes, discussing the recent events between BTS and what Halsey was doing. It felt good to Jin, to see an old friend they once collabed with. In regards to collaborations, they even discussed collaborating once again, Halsey also mentioning that she and Yoongi are in the process of writing a song together. However, after a few moments of talking, she was dragged away by one of the models from Hoseok and Yoongi’s fashion company and Jin was again, left standing alone.

A pair of arms wrapped around him from behind and he widened his eyes, caught off guard. It wasn’t until he heard the voice when he knew who it was.

“You’re usually the life of the party, hyung. Why so quiet?” Jimin basically purred from behind before letting go to stand in front of the taller male, drink in hand. His smile had lit up his face, and Jin couldn’t help but return it. “It’s because of Namjoon, isn’t it? Hoseok didn’t tell you he was coming.” Jimin knew all too well. All Jin could do was nod.

“I’ll get over it. I just… need a minute I suppose.” the older male finally spoke, shrugging his shoulders. Jimin nodded taking a sip from his alcoholic beverage.

“I’m going to mingle. Try to take it easy on the alcohol.” the younger male chuckled, winking at his hyung before disappearing into the crowd of people. Jin stood there, finishing his glass of water, feeling a little more sober. He left his spot to go search for more water.

A few hours passed somewhat quickly. Jin drank mostly water or juice, avoiding the alcohol. He talked to a few people he knew, not just old members of BTS, and also talked to a few new people. However, these small conversations meant almost nothing to him as he didn’t give out any of his contact information. He wasn’t interested in making new friends for professional partners. He was here to support his old friends and allow himself to have some fun. After all, he has been bombarded with nothing but work recently. Shouldn’t he allow himself to go out sometime?

Yet, despite the amount of mingling he did, he managed to stay across the room from Namjoon, avoiding him completely. He tried not to look his way and from what he could tell, Namjoon was avoiding him, too. It upset Jin, and the fact that he was upset with it only made Jin angry with himself. He was doing the same thing. Why is he so upset about it?

“Everyone, can I please get your attention!” Hoseok’s voice spoke over everyone else’s, dismissing Jin’s thoughts. The room instantly went quiet, conversations forgotten as everyone peered at him. Behind him stood Yoongi, who was quietly sipping at his glass.

“First off, thank you all for taking the time out of your day to come tonight. I know it was a little last minute. It’s because I completely forgot to invite you all until my boyfriend here reminded me.” Hoseok chuckled, as did the crowd. Yoongi only rolled his eyes, though he couldn’t fight the small smile that made its way to his face.

“Speaking about my boyfriend…” Hoseok trailed off for a minute, setting his drink down on the counter behind him before grabbing Yoongi’s hand, pulling his lover forward. “Now, he and I met when we were trainees. We instantly clicked, and as time passed, the closer we got.” Hobi rambled and Yoongi only flushed just slightly. “We decided, despite our contracts, to dwell in a secret relationship. Guess we weren’t as great at hiding as we thought because our boss knew.” everyone laughed, and Bang PD, who was standing in one of the corners, lifted his drink in approval with a chuckle.

“Love, are you really going to tell our entire story.” Yoongi poked and Hoseok only giggled.

“Shut up, I’m getting somewhere. Anyway, things happened, the group started to talk about disbanding. Yoongi and I discussed living together, taking our relationship to the next level, and starting our own company. Which is where the idea of SOPE FASHION came from. Now, we’re here. Still under contract, releasing music throughout the year, our company is blooming… and we’re happy with where we are at. We’ve accomplished so much. We’ve come so far. But…” Hoseok looked at his lover with the soft eyes, taking Yoongi’s hand in his own. “But I know we’ve still got a long way to go… and I know I’m ready to go further. So…”

The room seemed to hold their breath, time stopping as Hoseok kneeled on the ground, releasing Yoongi’s hands to grab a small, beautiful black velvet box from his pocket. As his left knee met the ground, he carefully opened the box to reveal a silver band, a single black and red diamond placed together at the very top. Yoongi’s eyes went wide, gasps sounded and the room became ungodly silent.

“Min Yoongi, my Suga… my very own hope, I am asking you if you will make me the happiest man on the planet today, tonight, and the thousands of tomorrows to come… I am asking if you will marry me.” Hobi smiled brightly, tears welling up in his eyes. Yoongi’s face was covered in shock and disbelief before he went bitch faced, though a small smile played at his lips.

“You idiot!  _ I  _ was going to propose to  _ you! _ ” He ripped out a small black box from his jacket, opening it to reveal a beautiful black wedding band, their names engraved in gold within the gorgeous ring. Hobi’s face went into shock and Yoongi couldn’t push away the flush on his face.

“I’ll only say yes if you say yes.” Hobi countered with a wink and the entire room erupted with laughter. Yoongi let out a chuckle, too, before nodding.

“Of course I’ll marry you. Anyday, anywhere.” and the younger male slid the band on his lover’s finger before letting Yoongi slide his ring on. Once the both of them wore their wedding bands, Yoongi pulled Hoseok up by his shirt and smashed their lips together, the entire room erupting with cheers, laughter, screams, and congratulations. Jin couldn’t overcome the feeling of warmth that spread throughout his body like wildfire. Jimin was jumping up and down, smacking Tae’s arm, who was jumping with him. Jungkook was clapping faster than the flash, a magnificent smile on his face. Jin was screaming his congratulations, and he saw Namjoon from the corner of his eyes, a beautifully soft smile on his face as he clapped. Though, as fast as he looked, he ripped his gaze from the ex-leader.

  
  


* * *

  
  


**NAMJOON’s POV**

“Congratulations, hyungs.” Namjoon smiled softly, hugging Hoseok. Before he could manage to wrap his arms around Yoongi though, the shorter male’s arms had pulled him down into a neck crushing hug. Joon chuckled but hugged him back, closing his eyes. Yoongi didn’t pull away immediately though, not like he typically did. This made Namjoon’s head spin.

“Thank you for coming tonight. It’s been so long since I’ve seen you…” he whispered in Namjoon’s ear, quiet enough for only the younger male to hear. “I’ve missed you, Joon. Talk to me more… please.” The last five words were quiet, the please barely audible but Namjoon heard it as Yoongi let him go. His eyes were soft, but also sad. Namjoon’s heart dropped. It was unlikely for Yoongi to… essentially beg for someone to talk to him. Namjoon knew this, and Namjoon knew he had been distant. It hurt him to see he had upset Yoongi with his actions though, so he nodded, and Yoongi smiled. In his mind, Joon made a mental promise to himself - he would talk more to his old friends…  _ especially  _ Yoongi.

“Goodnight. Drive safely!” Hoseok told Jimin and Taehyung as he hugged them both, too. After Yoongi, Jimin, and Taehyung said goodbye to one another, they made their way through the company building, looking for the entrance they came in from. That was where they would find Taehyung’s car.

As they walked, Namjoon began to think. He drowned out the noises of their feet on the expensive tile, lost in his own thoughts as Jimin and Tae talked quietly amongst themselves. However, his thoughts were broken, the two love birds in front of him quiet when a familiar voice came from behind them, echoing throughout the building.

“Joon-ah!” Namjoon could feel his blood turn cold as his eyes went wide. Jimin and Taehyung had stopped walking, as did Namjoon. They were turned around, gazing at Namjoon and the owner of the familiar voice. The ex leader could hear running on the tile and he turned around to face Jin, their eyes immediately meeting.

“We’ll leave you two alone. Come on, Tae.” Jimin smiled softly as he grabbed Taehyung by the hand and quickly, they disappeared, leaving Namjoon and Jin standing there, staring at each other. Jin was slightly out of breath. It seemed he had really run to catch up. Namjoon on the other hand, was barely breathing. His eyes were filled with confusion, face surprised though he quickly got a hold on his facial expressions. They soon became… bare and unreadable.

“Hey, I- I didn’t get the chance to talk to you.” Jin chuckled awkwardly, scratching the back of his head. 

“You were avoiding  _ me _ .” Namjoon deadpanned, completely still. Jin’s face dropped as he cleared his throat, swallowing. His gaze dropped to the ground, the silence between them making the situation more awkward than it already was.

“I - okay. Yeah, I was. That’s fair…” Jin reluctantly admitted, and Namjoon could tell that Jin was silently cursing at himself. Namjoon was doing the same, though his face didn’t show it.  _ Why are you being such a dick? _ He thought to himself, though pushed aside that thought as fast as it came. “But, we haven’t exactly talked much either… I didn’t know if you were still pissed off with me or-”

“I didn’t  _ have  _ a reason to talk to you. We broke up, disbanded, and went our separate ways. We never talked about being friends after you dumped me, we didn’t even talk the very last time I saw you. You just said bye and left.” Namjoon cut him off, annoyance spiking within his bones. “I’m not mad, hyung. I’m  _ hurt _ .” he quipped, pressing his lips together tightly. His gaze was cold, voice cruel. He could tell his words were cutting into Jin like knives because hurt flashed through the older male’s eyes, but Namjoon didn’t know what else to say. He wasn’t going to take the fall for a situation that wasn’t his fault. 

“I- I know.” Jin finally mumbled with a sigh, “I’m not trying to blame you or anything, Namjoon-ah.” he finally said, gaze meeting Namjoon’s killer eyes. The ex-leader held his gaze, though kept his eyes unreadable. He got good at that, hiding behind a mask. He had to for the sake of himself after he was dumped… after they disbanded. “Look, I just… I miss your company, our conversations. I miss you… and - and I wanted to ask if you’re free at any time this weekend. Maybe we can go out and get some coffee or look at some art or something..?” Jin sighed, though his words were careful. He spoke softly, as if he were walking on eggshells around Namjoon.

The younger male stood there, his mind churning with thought. He could agree to this invitation, and go… but what would come out of it? Closure? Perhaps. Feelings he’s worked so hard on to push down and forget about? Perhaps. Painful memories of the past he tries not to think about? Perhaps. There was so much that could happen, physically and mentally, that would take a toll on Namjoon. He wasn’t sure if he was ready just yet to talk to Jin, to face what happened to them. Truth be told, as much as he’d tell himself he’s over the relationship and all… he wasn’t. He still cries at night when he’s alone. He still finds himself thinking, wishing, dreaming about all the things they could’ve become - as a group and as a couple. He still feels like a failure because BTS broke up, broke the hearts of fans, and the love of his life dumped him. He still struggles getting out of bed in the morning and finding the motivation to go live his life because he’s so undeniably heartbroken and torn from the inside out. There are days he wants to give it all up, end it all. Days he wants to just… disappear completely and not look back. There are days where he wishes he could move to a place where nobody knew who he was so he could restart new… as if that would get rid of the huge hole in his heart.

His gaze faltered, dropping to the ground as the reminder of heartbreak overthrew his senses. Suddenly, all he could feel was that same, bone crushing feeling in his chest that he felt when Jin told him that they couldn’t be together anymore. His mind was becoming a whirlwind of thoughts, memories, and voices… all telling him and showing him different things. He forgot Jin was standing there, watching him as he had his melt down.

“Joon-ah…” Jin’s voice was soft but louder than bombs in his head. A warm gentle hand gripped his shoulder, and Namjoon was finally himself again. He looked up to meet his hyung’s worried filled gaze, his thoughts finally quieting down so that he could think under his own control. Namjoon straightened himself up, and Jin removed his hand though he was still worried.

“I’m free on Saturday after 2 PM.” Namjoon finally responded, giving Jin a small smile. He could see the way Jin lit up just by his gaze. Namjoon hadn’t smiled at him all night, and now he was agreeing to meet with him alone. He wasn’t entirely sure why he made the decision to agree, but for some reason, every bone in his body was telling him he was making the right choice.

“Awesome.” Jin was practically jumping up and down, his entire body vibrating with pure happiness. Namjoon however, tried not to overthink the way his hyung reacted as they said goodnight to one another, splitting ways.


	3. Chapter 3

**_Chapter Three:_ ** _Memory Lane_

Jin’s heart was racing. His mind was all over the place and the best he could do was press his hands together tightly to hide the fact that he was shaking. He wanted to take a sip of the coffee he had ordered while waiting, but he was afraid he’d spill it on himself. _Shouldn’t overthinking this be like a… Namjoon ordeal?_ Jin scolded himself. Afterall, it was the younger that had a tendency to be messy or destructive, especially when nervous. It was cute, but also a pain if he did end up breaking a plate.

Jin being Jin arrived at the coffee shop they agreed to meet at half an hour early. He felt awkward sitting there alone for thirty minutes, not ordering anything so he gave into the voice in his head telling him he looked weird. As the time ticked closer to 7 PM, Jin could feel himself becoming more antsy, the anxiety coursing through his veins more potent than before. It was as if he were a highschooler going on a date with his crush all over again. The butterflies, the racing heart, the sweaty palms, Jin only exhausted himself.

_It’s not a date you idiot._ the male scolded himself. He knew that, but for some reason, he was getting the jitters as if it were a date. He knows it wasn’t - it’s just two old friends going out to get some coffee. Jin, to be completely honest with himself, didn’t know where he stood with Namjoon at the moment. He knew they were in a good place, talking terms, too. Namjoon seemed to talk to him a bit more since the party, he’s talked to everyone a bit more since the party but that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re ‘ _friends_ ’. Jin broke his heart. He knows this… and part of him feels like it’s he’s just acting as nothing more than a reminder to Namjoon in regards to the pain he caused the younger male. Maybe, they could be friends again… but would Jin really want that? He loves having Namjoon in his life once more, it’s like a puzzle piece he finally found that’s been missing but at the same time, it still doesn’t feel right - it doesn’t necessarily _fit_ . Perhaps it’s because Jin isn’t supposed to bring Namjoon back into his life. Perhaps that is the galaxy’s way of telling him he was making a wrong choice… or perhaps, it could be because they were destined to be together… as something _more_ than friends.

Jin pushed this thought aside when the bell to the front door of the small coffee shop rang out. There stood Namjoon. He had green pants on with a white shirt that had some sort of intricate design in the middle. Jin didn’t really focus much on it. His shirt was tucked into his pants, outfit complemented with a brown denim jacket and a black Gucci belt. His dark brown hair was a little messy, but Namjoon still pulled it off quite perfectly. All Jin could do was smile as Namjoon caught his gaze, returning the grin.

“Hey, Joon-ah!” Jin shot up, and Namjoon strolled over to the small table by the window which Jin had chosen. Of course, by the window. The elder always knew that Namjoon enjoyed looking out at the city, so filled with life. Jin always did this when they went on date at coffee shops while they were together, or even just hanging out as friends before they took their relationship to the next level. However, Jin pushed those thoughts away though he noted the way Namjoon’s gaze lingered, something unreadable showing behind those beautiful eyes.

“Hyung, you got coffee without me!” Namjoon somewhat whined as a joke and Jin only laughed. _It’s because I was nervous, silly._ He wanted so badly to say, but bit his tongue instead… figuring that would be inappropriate and too soon.

“It’s cold by now. I can get something else.” Jin responded and Namjoon only raised his eyebrow at the comment but didn’t say anything. Together, they sat and ordered new coffee, Jin getting something different. Truth be told, he ordered something bitter with the hopes to try something new he might possibly like. He didn’t like the coffee. He doesn’t like bitter coffee. The two of them also ordered a few pastries to munch on. Drinking coffee only goes so far, besides, Jin hasn’t eaten anything for hours and he’d be lying if he said his stomach wasn’t throwing a fit.

“So…” Jin finally spoke once the waitress had left them alone to work on their order. Namjoon looked at Jin curiously. “How’s your day been?” _something simple, right? That’s how they do conversations… right?_ Jin thought to himself as he watched Namjoon’s gaze flick to the movement outside.

“It’s been… busy.” he finally concluded. “I mean, my team and I are working on getting the museum set up for the grand opening in a few weeks but, there’s other things going on at the company, too. So many calls, so many gigs, so little time.” Joon chuckled innocently, thanking the waitress as she set down their coffee. Jin thanked the lady, too, giving her a genuine smile as she told them to enjoy and then scuttled back into the kitchen.

“What kind of gigs?” Jin asked as Namjoon sipped slowly at his hot beverage.

“Ah, just photoshoots, public speeches, a few commercial shoots, nothing too big. I feel bad everytime I turn them down because I’d love to help out but…”

“But you are only one person.” Jin finished the sentence and Namjoon gave him a sad smile, nodding. Jin knew that was where his former lover was going. Namjoon always said something like that whenever one of the members got stressed over upcoming gigs and tours. He’d remind them that they’re only one person and there is only so much they can do. They should allow themselves to rest because there is nobody else that is them in the world… and things can wait. Their health cannot.

“But I’m only one person. Ah, I thought I was ready for this much work as a CEO and part time artist but…” Namjoon shook his head as he took a sip of his coffee, Jin laughing softly at the remark. “Speaking of being an artist… are you working on something right now?” Namjoon’s gaze shot up to meet Jin’s whose eyes widened in surprise. It was such a turn of events, but it also made his heart flutter. Namjoon not only remembered that he saw Jin at the company… but he cared enough to _ask_ about what Jin was doing there. He didn’t understand why it made him so… soft, but it did. HIs heart could only flutter at the question, a small smile playing at his lips.

“Yeah…” Jin smiled, finally answering the question.

“Is it a full album or a mini album?” Namjoon pressed, eyes filled with complete curiosity. Jin could feel a small flush surfacing on his face as he took a sip of his coffee, holding the mug gently in his hands to try and steady the shaking - which hasn’t fully disappeared.

“Full album.” Jin responded, “Quite a lot of work, though. Especially because I am also taking up acting gigs.” he scratched the back of his neck innocently, sort of proud that he’s finally being able to act upon the very dream that put him in an entertainment company. He loved being a part of BTS, and producing music has helped him so much in life. He’s figured out so much in regards to himself, healed in ways he didn’t know he had to, and inspired people in ways he never thought possible just by singing. The idea of producing music has grown so much on Jin these past years… but acting still remains a goal he wants to achieve before his life ends.

“I sort of noticed.” Namjoon finally responded, a bit sheepishly. He dropped his gaze as Jin raised his. His entire face perked up in curiosity. “You’ve been in quite a bit of commercials recently.” the younger male admitted, and Jin’s heart only did another flip in his chest. He swore he was about to combust. Namjoon had actually _noticed_ him and his efforts, too? Maybe Jin should’ve made the effort to talk to him sooner…

“Jin..?” the older male broke out of his thoughts as he looked up to meet Namjoon’s gaze, who was studying him quite intensely. To be completely honest, he didn’t know how long he was trapped in his mind, thinking to himself. Though, he assumed it must’ve been a minute because Namjoon now had a worried expression painting his facial features - an expression that squeezed Jin’s heart.

“Sorry, just lost myself there.” Jin chuckled innocently, waving off the situation. Last thing he needed right now was Namjoon to be worried. They’re supposed to be enjoying this coffee meet, not making one or the other stressed out. After all, it’s been a while since Jin has seen Namjoon, so of course there would be some reminiscing on his part (and he doesn’t doubt that Namjoon was taking time to reminisce, either - he did know how the younger male worked), but he didn’t want to spend the time they had entirely on remembering the past. It’s the past for a reason, there’s nothing back there but painful memories and occasional lessons… “What about you? What are you working on at the moment?” Jin brought their conversation back on track, though he could still see Namjoon was a bit wary.

“A mixtape. Few songs, not a full album… that would take too much time.” Namjoon sighed, thanking the waitress as she had brought the two of them the fresh pastries they had ordered. Once again, she smiled, told them to enjoy their food, and scurried off back into the kitchen to resume her job. Namjoon resumed his train of thought: “Opening up this company was one the best decisions I’ve made yet… but it’s a whole lot of time consuming work.” he concluded.

“I don’t doubt it. I mean, you know, my dad is a CEO but your company is on art and inspiring young artists..” Jin sighed, his voice somewhat breathless, “When is your mixtape supposed to be released..?” Namjoon shrugged as he tore a piece of his croissant, savoring the taste of the fresh, soft, buttery bread. If he could, he would totally eat his weight in crossovers. They were such a simple thing… and sometimes, simplicity is essential to life.

“Sometime next year in March..?” he estimated, “The production is kind of slow, mostly me being at fault for that.” Jin nodded, he figured. After all, Namjoon was busy with other things and sometimes… there just isn’t time to make for a meeting with production. It’s happened all too many times to him. “What about you?”

“Well… we kind of are thinking of doing a tour since this is my first _official_ full album…” Jin basically beamed, and Namjoon seemed to have shared the same excitement. “So, all of us are aiming for the end of May so that way, tours can start in the summertime, but with the way acting school is right now and the gigs I’m picking up… production has kind of been running behind. Like you, I’m mostly at fault for that as well.” The two of them chuckled together, and Jin could feel the butterflies forming in his stomach as Namjoon laughed. The sound of Namjoon’s laugh reminded him of the past, the way they’d laugh together. It was a nice feeling, but it also made him feel a little sad. He wished things didn’t change - but he was at fault for that.

The rest of their coffee ‘date’ went smoothly. They sat there, drank several cups of coffee (and water), and ate a variety of pastries as they talked about their lives. As Jin listened, he realized that so many things _have_ changed for Namjoon. He was a CEO of a new company - one that was growing quite quickly. He was getting calls and texts and emails left and right for publicity, (commercials, performing an old song, photoshoots, interviews, talk shows, and public speaking events). Seokjin? He just went to acting school, did a couple gigs here and there, and focused on songwriting. Occasionally, he made an appearance at the restaurant he and his brother opened, but not much. Perhaps it was time for him to take part in something more… or so he felt.

As the night progressed, Jin could only lose the words to describe his feelings. He was undeniably happy. The butterflies did not leave his stomach for hours as he smiled, thinking of their conversations at the coffee shop. His hands were no longer shaky, and the anxiety he felt earlier had disappeared. 

Jin also felt sad and lonely - perhaps isolated in a dark, never ending room. Despite his best abilities to repress the past, his mind just wanted to remind him of all the good times he and Namjoon had when they were in a relationship - or even just friends. This constant trip down memory lane only made his heart feel heavy as he realized how much he missed what they had. However, he remained quiet about the flashbacks haunting his head, trying his absolute hardest to stay focused on Namjoon whenever he spoke.

Eventually, the coffee shop began to close down. Jin paid for their coffee and food, not without a little banter from Namjoon about it, first. Though, Jin won, and happily paid before calling it a night. The elder walked Namjoon to his car, where his driver was waiting for him.

“It was nice seeing you again, Namjoon-ah.” Jin smiled warmly, Namjoon returning the gesture. “We should do this again sometime. Stay in contact?” those words left his mouth before he could even think about it, and though he felt embarrassed to sound quite pushy, Namjoon chuckled.

“Of course, hyung. I’ll see you around.” and with that, they said goodnight, Jin watching Namjoon depart before heading to his own ride home. He was content, a warm feeling that hasn’t been in his heart for a while… finally returning.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To everyone who is reading this story, I really appreciate it. I've worked really hard on these chapters for the past few months. There will be 18 chapters and I will be publishing new chapters every 3-5 days.
> 
> Please be sure to check out my other fics, too. I've got two TaeJoon fics up and published, a Namgi Fic, and another Namjin fic. I really would love it if you guys could read those, too.
> 
> Once again, thank you for your support!! It means a whole lot to me.


	4. Chapter 4

**_Chapter Four:_ ** _ Blender of Feelings _

  
  


“I want to thank all of you for putting in so much work and effort into this museum, this company… into me.” Namjoon raised his champagne glass, everyone smiling as he spoke. “When I first left BTS… I had dreams of this company becoming big. I had my expectations… but I was not prepared for how quickly it took off. I couldn’t have done it without you all, though. Thank you and cheers!” Everyone yelled and laughed, taking a sip of their bubbly alcoholic beverage as they returned to mingling, talking amongst one another. Namjoon joined the crowd, shaking hands, saying hello, talking about the company and life and what not… though his mind wasn’t fully focused on his conversations.

It’s been two weeks since he bumped into Seokjin at BigHit. It’s been two weeks since he attended the same party as Seokjin. It’s been a week and a half since he last  _ saw _ Seokjin in person, at that small coffee shop, where they talked for hours like old friends. It’s been three hours since he last texted Seokjin -  _ well fuck _ .

Namjoon whipped out his phone, instant guilt flooding his stream as he realized he never even  _ responded _ to Jin’s last text message. He left him on seen!  _ You idiot, _ Namjoon cursed to himself,  _ he probably is wondering why you’re ignoring him. How do you forget to respond to someone!? _

Quickly rereading Seokjin’s text, Namjoon typed out a message and sent one back, ending his sentence with an apology. He stated he forgot to respond… and he instantly got a message back, telling him it’s all good and there’s nothing to worry about. Their conversation ended there though, Seokjin saying he’ll text him later because he’s currently at a production meeting. Namjoon wishes him well before sliding his phone back into his pocket, downing the rest of his champagne.

The night was almost done… and the toast of the night was finished. He didn’t want to leave super early, but he was exhausted. The museum opens on Monday… four days from today. He and his team have been busting their asses getting this place ready… last minute shit popping up. Namjoon has barely slept, and he was beginning to feel a little sick with this alcohol in his system - despite not even drinking much.

“Sir, are you alright?” his manager asked, and Namjoon turned to the young girl. She pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose, looking at him with a worried filled gaze. Namjoon gave her a small smile as he set his glass down on one of the empty trays.

“Yes, I’m alright. I think I am going to call it in early, though. I’m quite exhausted. Do you mind staying and making sure this place is closed properly, everyone out at 10 PM?” Namjoon asked and his manager nodded.

“Of course! Go home and get some rest. I will see you on Friday?” Namjoon nodded, thanking her as he grabbed his belongings. Shooting a text to his driver, he was followed outside by him and got into the car. As his driver asked him where to, his phone went off, indicating a new message.

“Home, please. Thank you.” Namjoon smiled as he unlocked his device, seeing a new message from Yoongi.

**_Yoongs:_ ** _ You free tonight? Maybe we can meet up and get some drinks? _

Namjoon smiled, though he felt immediately guilty. He was exhausted, and by no means physically ready for more drinks. He felt sick, he felt tired, he felt dirty. All he wanted to do was go home, have a nice shower, eat some chocolate, and relax till he passed out, which would probably be really early. Besides, he has a recording meeting tomorrow for his new song, so going out for drinks probably wasn’t the best idea.

**_Joonie:_ ** _ Sorry, hyung. I’m pretty exhausted tonight and I’ve got a recording meeting tomorrow at BigHit. I’m available tomorrow night, if that works? _

Namjoon sent back, heart heavy. He hated having to not agree to plans, especially with Yoongi. While he’s been keeping good on his promise in regards to texting/calling the older male more… he hasn’t had the time to physically hang out with him one on one. Yoongi responded pretty quickly though, telling Namjoon not to worry and that he would pick him up tomorrow night at around 9:00, which worked for Namjoon. Sending a quick confirmation text back, the two of them said goodnight to each other and Namjoon just proceeded to look out the window as he was driven home.

Once Namjoon was in the comfort of his home, he showered, ate some chocolate, and passed out on the couch only to wake up at around 2 AM. His grey cat was curled up on his chest, Amazon asking if he was still watching Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. His neck had a horrible cramp he soon came to realize as he sat up, gently moving his cat to stretch. Groaning in slight pain, he poked the sore area carefully with his fingers, making his way to his bed where he stripped off his pajamas and crawled into bed in just his boxers. The second his head hit the pillow, he was fast asleep once more.

Namjoon’s alarm woke him up at 8 AM. He instantly started his day, showering, making his bed, drinking a cup of coffee, and eating some eggs with toast. By 9 AM, he was out of his house and in the car, being driven to BigHit Entertainment’s building. He felt refreshed, it’s been a while since he had the opportunity to sleep in until 8 AM. These past few months, he’s been running on four hours of sleep, five if he gets lucky.

“Thank you. I’ll call you when I’m finished.” Namjoon smiled at his driver as he opened the door for him. Saying goodbye, he made his way into the building and easily found his way to the recording room that was set out for him.

For hours, Namjoon practiced the recordings of his song. He said lines multiple times so the producers could edit it, make it out to his liking. If he didn’t like a part and they couldn’t salvage the already sung words, he’d have to rerecord his voice and adjust it to his liking. It was a repetitive and time consuming process. Now, he wanted a drink but not water. He was craving something sugary.

“We’re going to take ten.” Namjoon said to the production team in the room with him, and they all nodded in agreement. Grabbing his wallet, Namjoon left the room and instantly made his way through the company building to the nearest vending machine. Looking through the options, he decided to just settle with a coke. As he bent down to grab the soda, which had fallen into the hole where people were supposed to retrieve their chosen drink, he heard footsteps behind him. Namjoon didn’t think too much of it though, assuming that whoever was walking was just walking by. His heart skipped a beat when the feet stopped behind him. 

Turning around with his soda in his hand, he was face to face with Jin, who was holding a bag of what seemed to be homemade food. He had a gentle smile on his face, a light flush painting his cheeks beautifully as their eyes met.

“Hey, Namjoon-ah! I brought you some kimchi fried rice!” Jin handed him the bag and Namjoon couldn’t help the large smile that formed, taking the bag gratefully as he thanked Jin. “I may or may not have talked to our boss to figure out you were here today…” Jin admitted sheepishly and Namjoon only laughed.

“Thank you, hyung. I really appreciate it.” He smiled sweetly, cocking his head to the side like a confused puppy as Jin’s flush only got darker. There was something in his gaze… something unreadable, but obviously there.

“I- so… I was wondering if maybe you uh… you wanted to go out to um - to dinner…? Like… this uh… Saturday - if you’re free.” Jin stuttered with his words, Namjoon’s eyes involuntarily going wide in surprise. Jin’s eyes went wide in response, as he assumed Namjoon thought it was something else. “I - not like a  _ date _ , Joon-ah. Like a simple friend thing…” he scratched the back of his head, obviously trying to save the conversation. Namjoon could tell how nervous and embarrassed his friend was, it was all too obvious with the way he talked, slightly high pitched, the flush plastering his face. He avoided eye contact (though, not very well), and he was fidgeting.

“Of course, hyung. I am free on Saturday. I don’t mind going to grab a bite with you.” Namjoon smiled gently, his voice remained calm. Jin seemed to relax, all tension leaving his body though he became giddy quite quickly.

“Awesome! I’ll uh.. I’ll text you the details and I’ll pick you up at six!” his face was covered in a massive grin, practically jumping up and down. Namjoon chuckled, giving Jin a hug, thanking him for the lunch one last time before they said goodbye, his hyung wishing him the best.

When Namjoon returned to the studio, he ate some of his food and continued singing however, his mind was racing the entire time. Jin had asked him to  _ dinner  _ and then had to refer to it as this request was  _ not a date _ . Namjoon didn’t know why that made his gut churn so much… after all, it’s not like he wanted to get back together with Jin. They were friends, good friends, old friends… with a rough past but nevertheless… old friends. Other than Yoongi, Jin was the person he trusted the  _ most _ and even though that trust has been put to the test, broken, and is now being repaired… for some reason, Namjoon has also been finding himself drawn to Jin. It scared him as much as it made him happy…

  
  


*** * ***

  
  


“I’m glad you agreed to this.” Yoongi said quietly as he looked down at his drink, almost sheepishly. Namjoon knew Yoongi was never one to really  _ show _ or admit his emotions when it came to other people - except Hosoeok and more than occasionally, Namjoon. It wasn’t like he was cold, just sometimes he could become detached. He’s heavily introverted and definitely shy. Namjoon understands why, though.

“I’m sorry, hyung. I -” Namjoon sighed as he shook his head while Yoongi cocked an eyebrow. “I know I should’ve made more of an effort to talk to you. I just…”

“You needed time. To reflect on everything. I understand, Joon.” Yoongi finished with a gentle smile. Of course, of course he would know that’s how Namjoon operated. Was it that obvious? Perhaps, but it felt good that someone knew him that way - someone that he knows he can trust truly.

“Yeah, but… I’ve had a lot of space to do that. It’s time for me to get back out there and… start living my life with my friends, again.” Namjoon responded, taking a sip of his alcoholic beverage.

Though the bar they were at was filled with life, the two of them remained in their booth in the back. They talked quite a bit, about everything. Namjoon could slowly feel his mind becoming less cloudier, more clear as he was able to express his thoughts to someone without much worry. Yoongi listened, giving him small snippets of advice every here and there yet, keeping the message obvious that he wasn’t going to tell Namjoon what to do. Even though he wanted to because Namjoon knows how Yoongi is… Yoongi also respects Namjoon. He wants Namjoon to make his own choices, and if he gets hurt… then he’ll be there.

“Jin asked me to dinner.” Namjoon blurted out when their conversation had somewhat died down. Yoongi nearly choked on his drink, eyes going wide as he set down his half empty glass. “He said it wasn’t a date but I - the way he asked…” Namjoon sighed.

“How do you feel about it?” the older’s voice was careful, like he was treading into dangerous territory. He kind of was… but Namjoon also felt a bit uncomfortable since he’s had enough time to think about the shit that went down before the group broke up. He was tired of being treated like he was broken - despite the fact that he did more than often, feel as if he was.

“I… I don’t know.” Namjoon answered truthfully. “I mean, I’m glad that he’s back in my life. It’s nice to be able to talk to him again but at the same time… It’s so hard to look at him sometimes. All I think about is… is what happened.” the younger admitted with a sigh, taking a large swig of his drink. It burned his throat… but it was what he needed. His mind was replaying the exact moment Jin broke up with him. He remembered every word that came from those dangerous lips. He remembered how he felt as if the world had stopped spinning, as oxygen seemed to no longer exist to him. He remembered how his heart collapsed, how cold yet  _ humiliated  _ he felt. He remembered everything exactly how it was… and seeing Jin only made it harder to forget, however, it also made him happy.

“You’re doing that thing again.” Yoongi pointed out, and Namjoon furrowed his eyebrows together in confusion. The older rapper laughed. “That thing where you lock yourself in your head. Where you’re overcome by what you’re thinking about.” Namjoon mumbled a sorry and Yoongi told him he had nothing to apologize for. “Look, Namjoon. Relationships are never easy. They require trust, communication and  _ a lot _ of work. Now I know you and Seokjin-hyung have had a rocky relationship and there’s little trust between the two of you… but you need to decide if that is what you want or not. You need to decide if you’re okay with working through it or not.”

Namjoon soaked in the words that were just spoken as Yoongi took a sip of his drink, licked his lips, and continued.

“It’s going to be really difficult at first. Hell, it’ll probably feel  _ impossible _ for you at first… but if you’re willing to be patient and it’s what you want, then go for it. Entirely, it’s up to you… however, if you choose to end whatever you guys got going on, you need to tell him so you’re not leading him on.”

Namjoon stared at Yoongi. He knows the elder is right. It’s going to take time and effort, and the ex-leader needs to decide if that’s what he is ready for or not. He needs to decide if that is what he wants or not… and if it isn’t then he needs to tell Jin. Truth be told though, as much as Namjoon is afraid… he missed Jin so much. While it occasionally hurts to think about him, Jin brings him a strong sense of happiness and warmth when he’s around.

“My mind is such a warzone.” he groaned as he took another large swig of his drink. Yoongi chuckled lightly. “I -” he sighed, “I missed him so much. Part of me hates him for what he did to me but when he’s around… I feel like I can breathe again. I feel  _ okay _ again, like that hole he left in my heart isn’t there anymore. I don’ t… I don’t know if it’s because maybe I’m not completely over him or if I really do just… need him there.”

“Before you guys became lovers, you were both the closest of friends. I don’t think there ever will be a ‘getting over it’ for you, Namjoon. If you choose to kick him out of your life, perhaps there will be a day where things are easier but… I don’t think you’ll be over him. I think you’ll just become accustomed to the pain of not having him around.” Yoongi responded gently with how he felt, and Namjoon hated how every atom in his body told him that the elder was probably right. Namjoon will probably  _ never _ get over him… but is that really a reason to keep him in his life..? “You’re doing it again.” Yoongi chuckled and Namjoon glared.

“I hate you.” he responded jokingly.

The rest of the night went by smoothly, their conversations dipping out of personal matters into jokes and back to personal matters. It was nice to be able to talk to Yoongi again, as he was Namjoon’s other closest friend. They had a connection that he and Jin had, but also different and unique in their own way. When they said goodnight, Namjoon was decently buzzed however, still with it enough to unlock his phone.

That night, before he went to bed, he called Jin. Jin answered. The conversation lasted about a few seconds.

Namjoon agreed to the dinner invitation.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said a new chapter would be published every 3 - 4 days and it's only been 2 days but I just can't help it lmao  
> I just began to publish this fic after working on the chapters for over 3 months and I'm really happy with how it's turning out plus... the amount of support I am receiving helps me so much. I've always sort of been insecure about my writing abilities. I've written short stories and fics all my life I Just feel they're never good enough so most of them get left and forgotten about... so when I say the comments mean so much to me, y'all really have no clue how important they are to me.
> 
> Thank you so much for showing your support.
> 
> I'll post the next chapter on Dec 13th :)
> 
> Don't forget to check out my other fics too!!


	5. Chapter 5

**_Chapter Five:_ ** _ The Past Calls _

  
  


“You look  _ ravishing _ , hyung.” Jimin smirked and Namjoon could only flush as he peered at himself in his reflection.

Jin had chosen one of the most expensive restaurants in Seoul… and Namjoon, while his taste was immaculate, he needed assistance. Hence why Jimin was in his closet with him, helping him choose an outfit. They’ve been at this for the past hour. Jimin would choose something, make Namjoon put it on, spin, and then choose something else because it didn’t satisfy him.

“Spin.” Jimin ordered, and Namjoon did just that. The vocalist’s face lit up for the first time in response to a spin. Namjoon knew this outfit was the final choice. “Seokjin-ah is going to have a heart attack when he sees you.”

“Jimin, it’s not a date…” Namjoon mumbled, though the tips of his ears were red. He did look good, he looked better than good. He looked as if he definitely owned the entire city. Jimin had chosen the perfect outfit. He was wearing a black suit, complemented with silver accents and a ruffled white dress shirt. The sleeves of his suit were decorated with an intricate design of silver dragons… and his entire outfit paired beautifully with his platinum hair (which he recently colored) and golden skin.

“I know, hyung… but if looks could kill…” Jimin winked, resulting in a smile to plaster Namjoon’s face. He ran his fingers through his hair. “If I weren’t with Taehyung… I’d definitely bring you home with me.” Namjoon groaned.

“ _ Jimin. _ ” he finally whined, flushed dark and the younger chuckled innocently.

“Okay, okay. He should be here in ten minutes so I am going to leave. Don’t ruin anything on your outfit, okay? Just … just stand at the door and wait.” Jimin jokes, giving Namjoon a quick peck on the cheek before he said goodbye and left. Namjoon admired himself in the mirror after he was gone. Jimin definitely had taste… and he was right. He did look ravishing.

Namjoon sat down at his counter, scrolling through his phone mindlessly as he waited. Ten minutes passed quickly, and before he knew, there was a knock at his door. His heart suddenly felt as if it were in his throat. It was hard for him to breathe, though he knew he should answer the door before Jin thinks too much of the time… but should he answer now? Would it seem as if he were waiting right at the door? Should he wait longer? No, because then Jin would feel as if he was early and he’d feel bad, right? Namjoon scolded at himself for his thinking process. He answered the door.

Jin stood there, his black hair slicked back, showing off his forehead. He was in a complete white suit, stitching in black. He looked ethereal… and all Namjoon could do was stare at him, completely unaware of how long he was staring. His eyes drank up the older man in front of him as if he were water and Namjoon was severely dehydrated. He then snapped out of his gaze, a flush covering his face as Jin came to the realization that he too, had been staring at Namjoon.

That’s when Namjoon saw it.

He was holding a bouquet of flowers.

They were red roses… 

Namjoon’s eyes went wide.

“You uh-”

“Oh, yeah.” Jin hands them to him, “a um - a gift. You know, I mean-” Jin’s face went red, just as the tips of his ears as he chuckled awkwardly. Namjoon wanted to hug Jin, but also wanted to poke his cheeks… but also, he wanted him. He wanted Jin to  _ ruin _ him. “Um, it’s not a date I just… ugh  _ fuck _ .” Jin shook his head, handing the roses to Namjoon, whose face was dark. He was flustered, as was Jin.

“You thought it would be nice to give me a gift since I agreed to go to dinner with you.'' The rapper finished Jin’s thought breathlessly, and Jin paused as a smile lip up his face. He nodded in slight embarrassment, but also in happiness. Namjoon knew him so well, it scared him. All these years, and the younger was still able to finish his thoughts for him as if it were natural.

“Yeah…” Jin chuckled, “You um… you look good - no,  _ beautiful _ .” Jin’s eyes did a sweep of Namjoon’s outfit once more, and the ex-leader smiled.

“You look beautiful, too.” Namjoon shot back, causing the older man in front of him to flush. “I’m going to put these in a vase and then we can go. You can come inside.” He held the door open, and Jin walked in. Namjoon strolled into the kitchen as Jin walked around his penthouse complex, completely mesmerized.

Namjoon’s home was massive and obviously expensive, like Jin’s however… it was also different. It fit Namjoon’s personality. It was simple, an array of neutral colors with other dark reds, greens, ash gray, pale blues, and white. There were plants, real and fake, that decorated the apartment. The aesthetic was beautiful.

As Jin walked around the apartment, obviously soaking in every detail, Namjoon stole small glances while he worked on prepping the flowers he was brought. It was a sweet gesture on Jin’s side… but it also couldn’t help the feeling that brewed in Namjoon’s gut. Was this really just a casual dinner? They’re going to an expensive, high end restaurant in Seoul that is quite popular for  _ dates _ , especially for the rich. In addition, this restaurant was also  _ the _ restaurant where Jin and Namjoon hoped to go someday, together, as a couple. Maybe Jin forgot… or maybe not. In addition, Jin brought him flowers - expensive beautiful red roses to be exact. Namjoon couldn’t help the feeling that perhaps, this really was a date but he was only convinced to go because Jin essentially  _ promised _ that it wasn’t.

“Alright, I’m ready.” Namjoon smiled as he threw away leftover trash. Jin smiled as they walked out together… the older even holding his car door open for the rapper. Namjoon flushed at the gesture, but didn’t say anything as he got into the lavish black mercedes. Jin drove them and they mostly sat in silence, small talk occasionally popping up between the two of them but disappearing as soon as it came. It was awkward… but also comfortable.

The drive eventually came to an end and once again, Jin held the door open for Namjoon. They took the elevator up to the top of the building, where the restaurant was located, and told the waitress his name, which was on the reservation he had made earlier. She guided the two males to their table, which was at the window, because Jin knew Namjoon liked it that way. Namjoon could see the entire city from the view… and it was mesmerizing. It made his heart feel heavy, how Jin already knew just how Namjoon liked things… and the more that Namjoon was surprised with, the more he was convinced that this wasn’t just some  _ friendly _ dinner.

This was a date disguised as such.

“So…” Namjoon essentially purred after they had ordered their drinks, appetizers, and entrees. Jin’s gaze met the rappers as he smiled. “How’s it been since I last saw you? Busy?”

“Yeah, just the same stuff. Music production, more acting gigs.” Namjoon nodded and Jin continued. “Honestly, as much as I’m loving my classes and all… I don’t think I want to be a big shot actor. I’m liking this thing I have going on right now. Small commercial and advertisement gigs on the side of my music production. I really enjoy songwriting.” the vocalist took a sip of his drink.

“Yeah, songwriting has its ways of growing on you. It’s a release… a way to talk about things you can’t say in a normal conversation.” Namjoon added in agreement.

“Yeah, especially with the way everything has been recently. It’s stressful… but my songs are coming together really well and I’m really excited for this album.” Jin basically beamed with his words and Namjoon couldn’t help but smile. He had heard parts of Jin’s songs… not because he was stalking but because Jin had also sent him a few messages, asking for advice in regards to some of his songs. Namjoon of course, gave him some pointers and Jin was always thankful for the advice. “How’s production going for you?”

“Slow.” Namjoon chuckled as he took a sip. Jin furrowed his eyebrows together. “The museum opens in a few days so I'm a little stressed out. I’ve also been busy finishing up last minute changes for the company so I’ve missed a few production days. We’re having to push back the release date, too… which isn’t that big of a situation since we haven’t announced a release date for my album but…” Namjoon shrugged. “I mean, I’ve come quite a way but there’s still 8 other songs to record and the music video that needs to be produced, too.”

“Yeah, that’s understandable. Just try not to overwork yourself too much, Namjoon-ah.” the elder reminded him with a gentle smile. “Make sure you’re getting plenty of sleep. You look better than when I last saw you… the last time I saw you, you looked like a zombie. The circles under your eyes were  _ dark _ .” Jin pointed out and Namjoon gave him a shy smile, ducking his head. “You look better rested right now… try and keep it that way, okay?”

“Okay, hyung.” the rapper nodded and agreed.

“I mean it, Namjoon.” he was taken off guard by the sheer seriousness in Jin’s voice. As he raised his gaze to meet the vocalist’s eyes, he could see worry.

Jin in all honesty, was worried. He knew Namjoon had a tendency to overwork himself. He knew Namjoon had a tendency to throw himself into his responsibilities like it was life or death. He rarely took breaks, would forget about his health, forget about everything else and solely focus on what he needed to get done. He did all the time during comeback season when they all performed together as BTS… so there was no doubt that Namjoon was still throwing himself into his work. Especially since Jin can clearly see the changes in his health every time he meets up with Namjoon. He’s skinnier, he’s slower, he’s obviously tired… there’s so many physical and mental changes Jin is able to pick up on that makes it obvious when Namjoon is taking care of himself and when he’s not.

“Your health is  _ more _ important than whatever you’ve got going on. You think you’re good at hiding that kind of stuff but… I notice. I noticed the last time I saw you just like I noticed you’re doing better right now. Please… take your health seriously, Namjoon-ah.”

Jin’s voice was firm, but gentle. It made Namjoon’s heart feel heavy as his mind flashed back to all those times when they were producing music. The long hours Namjoon would spend in the studio… practicing their songs, finishing their songs, perfecting their songs… the time he would spend dancing until he couldn’t walk, the way he’d hide his pain if he hurt himself, the meals he skipped because he was trying to perfect everything… the sleep he missed because he was at the studio or at the practice room or  _ somewhere _ , finishing things up so the rest of the members didn’t have to worry about it.

Quite frankly though… the entire group worried - especially Jin… just not about their music, though. They worried about Namjoon… and more than enough, Jin was always the one to pull him away from his hole in the end. Jin was always the one to get him to focus on himself more than the comeback.

It was always Jin.

Namjoon never listened to anyone else  _ but _ Jin.

“Okay, hyung. I will, I promise.” Namjoon said softly, smiling gently as he fought the burn in his throat. There were tears he was fighting back, tears from the reminder that Jin  _ always _ cares about him. It doesn’t matter where or how long it’s been. Jin would  _ always _ want Namjoon to take care of himself… and for some reason, it made Namjoon emotional to think about it.

Jin smiled in response to Namjoon’s promise, taking it to heart. He didn’t want to be mean, and he could see the younger male fighting back tears but he needed Namjoon to know. He needed the rapper to understand that he still cares… and he doesn’t want to see Namjoon lose himself in his work.

He’s seen it before… when they first debuted as a group and it was the scariest thing for everyone - especially Jin. He became so down and depressed… yet hid it so well from everyone, especially A.R.M.Y. However, Jin had made the effort to be by Namjoon’s side and the leader was hesitant about it at first but accepted the help when he realized that Jin wasn’t going to give up.

That’s when they became really close… and that’s when he and Jin began to develop the friendship that they now have.

“So… are you seeing anyone?” Jin blurted out in the middle of their dinner. They had finally received their main courses and began to eat. The talk between them remained light a small… but it suddenly got silent as the waitress had placed their food down in front of them. Jin didn’t like the silence, as his thoughts began to wander… which led to him speaking without thinking. Now, his ears were flushed in embarrassment as Namjoon looked at him with wide eyes. In all honesty, Jin wanted to know the answer. He wanted to know if there was a special someone in Namjoon’s life… mostly because he wanted the rapper to be happy but also because he still had feelings for Namjoon.

“I- uh…” the ex-leader stuttered in embarrassment and Jin chuckled sheepishly.

“Sorry, Joon-ah. I know that was random. You don’t have to answer if you’re uncomfortable… I’m just curious. My apologies.” Jin admitted shyly as he looked down at his food and began to devour it. Namjoon shook his head as the vocalist began to chew.

“It’s okay, hyung. I’m not seeing anybody at the moment.” Namjoon admitted, though he felt shy.

He wasn’t seeing anyone, that was the truth. He was also too afraid to see anyone. After he and Jin split… Namjoon buried himself in his work. There was a small side situation going on with another idol but Namjoon broke it off before it got too serious. The guy wasn’t like Jin… and Namjoon knows there is nobody else like the vocalist. Namjoon also knows that he will never have a connection with someone else that he had with Jin but… to be quite honest, he didn’t really want another connection similar to that with someone else. Mostly out of fear. He didn’t want his heart to get broken again… but also because he rather just focused on his work. It was a better distraction for him anyway.

“I was seeing someone but…” Namjoon shrugged, “I ended it as fast as it started.”

“I heard about that.” Jin admitted, avoiding eye contact. Namjoon furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. “It was kind of all over the news and I tend to keep up on articles about the industry… especially if they’re in regard to BTS…” Jin came clean, knowing that was going to be what Namjoon asked based off of his confused features. The rapper’s eyes went wide in realization.

“You kept tabs on everyone…?”

“Well now you make it sound stalkerish.” Jin chuckled, as did Namjoon. “I didn’t keep  _ tabs _ , Joon-ah. I was just curious and we weren’t necessarily talking… hell, nobody had really heard from you since the seven of us split up.” Namjoon’s eyes went sad and Jin smiled, attempting to lighten the mood. “I’m not holding that against you, none of us are. I was just curious and didn’t want to seem suspicious or anything so yeah… whatever articles came out in regards to you all, I read… you and Seonghwa were quite the topic for a while.” Namjoon flushed at the mention.

Namjoon and Seonghwa had a complicated situation. Things were nice between the two of them. Seonghwa was sweet, charismatic, and understanding. He had a lot of love for the ATEEZ fandom, and for ARMY, and for BTS in general. He was supportive of all groups and fandoms, and like Namjoon… he loathed the fan wars that often blew up on social media. They hit it off pretty easily, starting off as good friends before things began to get serious between them. Once things began to get serious, however… Namjoon got scared but also came to realize a few things…

  1. He wasn’t ready for a relationship. He isn’t ready to open up his heart - to make himself vulnerable again.



  1. He isn't over Seokjin. The bond that Namjoon and Jin have is… undeniably filled with a chemistry like no other. There is a strange feeling of unconditional trust and respect between the two of them… and he and Seonghwa don’t have that. They probably never will.



  1. Namjoon doesn’t want to hurt Seonghwa due to his past.



...and ultimately, that is why Namjoon broke the relationship off with Seonghwa.

The man was understanding. He was kind and didn’t take it personally. Of course, he was hurt but they remained friends and still occasionally talk. Namjoon felt beyond guilty… but Seonghwa told him he had no reason to feel that way. It was normal, and maybe someday their time will come.

“Yeah… fans were pretty upset when we got together but also when we split.” the rapper chuckled innocently, though he felt bad. He didn’t want to hurt Seonghwa, but it was for the better if they split up before things got  _ too _ serious.

He remembered all the press they got though, the amount of times he was essentially assaulted by news reporters because they wanted the juicy details of their relationship however, the both of them never said much. Their relationship and conversations were private to the both of them. While media outlets didn’t like that… there wasn’t much they could do because if they attempted to poke more than the idols preferred, the fan bases were quick to attack them.

“Yeah, they were. Why did you guys split…?” Jin asked, though his voice was cautious. He didn’t want to poke too much into Namjoon’s personal affairs but he just had to know.

Was it because of them that they broke up…? Did he hurt Namjoon so badly that he traumatized the rapper? It made his heart hurt to think about… but he just - he had to know. Jin felt that if he did… then he deserves to know. He deserves to beat himself up for it for as long as he breathes.

“Uh…” Namjoon became guarded as he looked away.

How was he supposed to respond to such a question? How was he supposed to look Jin in the eyes and tell him that he was still  _ hurt _ over what happened? He couldn’t trust anyone the same because of what happened. That there is nobody like Jin… and that’s why he can’t put himself in that position because he doesn’t want anyone  _ but _ the vocalist.

He only wants Jin… but he can’t have Jin because he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to trust him all the same.

“I uh... “

“I’m sorry. That was insensitive of me. We don’t have to discuss this topic any further.” Jin quickly cut in, seeing how distressed the rapper became. He felt horrible… but it was the answer he needed.

The way Namjoon became closed off gave him the confirmation that he needed. Jin had hurt him so bad that he couldn’t get back into another relationship… and here he was, inviting him to a fancy dinner… and he brought him flowers. Jin felt like a dick… and the mood of the dinner certainly dropped.

They ate in silence for a bit, though small talk did spark up every here and there. It was strange however, because despite the fact that the both of them made an effort to try and keep it from being weird… the both of them also felt immensely guilty for the questions that were asked and the reactions they gave that it was hard to keep a conversation going. Eventually though, the dinner came to an end and Jin was driving Namjoon home… the car was near silent as they listened to songs on the radio.

Once they got to Namjoon’s penthouse, Jin had walked Namjoon to the elevator and from the elevator to their door. As they said goodnight, Namjoon stopped, the door halfway closed as he finally met Jin’s eyes. His gaze was heavy and certainly sad, features upon his face glum but he still managed a smile. The smile made the vocalist feel even worse.

“We broke it off because he wasn’t you…” Namjoon finally admitted, not breaking eye contact once.

The air felt heavy and Jin just stared at him. He didn’t know how to respond - how does he respond to such a declaration? He pressed his lips together as Namjoon sighed, shaking his head.

“Thank you for tonight, hyung… I had fun.” He smiled softly before closing the door. Jin heard it lock and he couldn’t bring himself to walk away… he just stared at the door.

Should he have kissed him? Should he have apologized? Should he have hugged him? Should he have just come clean and tell Namjoon that he still  _ wants _ him… he’s always wanted him? Should he just admit to Namjoon that he feels like a complete fool for breaking up with him? Would it have done any good?

“Probably not, idiot.” Jin mumbled to himself as he finally found it in him to move. Once he was in his car, he stared at the steering wheel before punching the car over and over in rage. He wanted to cry… and he did. God, why was he such a fucking idiot? It would’ve not done any good to say anything… but staring at him like the world was ending? What good would that fucking do, too? God, Jin was utterly fucked. He was so painstakingly in love with Namjoon… and he fucked that up when he broke it off the first time.

Jin cried, he sobbed against his steering wheel, snot and spit and all. He felt like complete shit as his heart was breaking all over again. To think he wouldn’t feel this way again. To think things would be great… but Jin, he felt he deserved this.

He deserves to know he fucked up Namjoon.

He deserves to beat himself up about it until the end of time… because after all, it was his fault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Let me know what you think below!!
> 
> Don't forget to check out my other fics!
> 
> Next chapter will be posted on December 16th


	6. Chapter 6

**_Chapter Six:_ ** _ Regret _

  
  


“What the fuck!?” Hobi essentially screeched at his phone screen and everyone laughed. “I told you guys I’m not the imposter!”

The seven of them were all sitting on the soft lounge sofas at Jungkook’s house, eyes glued to their phone screens. They were playing a new game that had recently come out called  _ Among Us _ and the seven of them were hooked. Namjoon was laying on his back, head on Jin’s lap. Jimin and Taehyung were essentially cuddling… how they were playing the game made  _ no _ sense but nobody said anything since they looked comfortable. Jungkook sat on the floor in front of Namjoon. Yoongi and Hoseok sat next to each other… both of them focused intensely on their mobile devices.

Snacks and opened beverages (both alcoholic and not) littered the floor and coffee table. They were all full from the amount of food they ate for dinner. It had been hours since they all had arrived at Jungkook’s house, bringing something for everyone to share. It started off with them talking about twitter, posting a group selca on twitter for the fans, and then they began to talk about games and that’s how they started to play ‘Among Us’.

“We know, hyung. We just wanted to vote you out anyway.” Jimin responded sweetly and Hoseok rolled his eyes. Everyone had a smile on their face, chuckling at Hoseok’s grumble.

They all knew who was the imposter - it was Jimin but they wanted to fuck with the other three people that were playing with them… so they convinced everyone to vote out Hosoek. The group also agreed to vote out Hoseok.

Things had been going great for everyone. They had all gotten pretty close again within the past month, more involved with each other’s lives as things began to come together for everyone.

Namjoon and Jin have especially gotten closer.

Ever since their dinner, Namjoon had been spending more time with Jin. Even though things were awkward at first, now things for them were going pretty smoothly. They were back to being good friends and thought things were occasionally awkward for the both of them… they managed to fight through that together and have become more open with one another about their feelings in regards to the past. They haven’t really had a full blown conversation about the past yet, as it was still pretty difficult to bring up but for the most part, they were pretty good with communication. In some ways… things were similar to the past.

This also, however, sort of scared Namjoon.

The seven men played for a few more hours and before they knew, it was nearly 10 PM. Everyone decided to call it a night. They all helped Jungkook clean up the mess of food and snacks, organize his house, and then said goodnight before everyone took their separate ways.

  
  


*** * ***

  
  


“You want to come over for some more drinks for a little or do you want to go straight home?” Jin asked as they sat in the back of his limo.

Namjoon was silently scrolling through his phone, ignoring the messages that popped up from his producers and what not. He had been dealing with the opening of his museum for a few weeks now, and things have been going smoothly but he’s also been insanely busy. Jin found time to bring him lunch, or take him out to lunch (occasionally dinner). He would stop by and help clean Namjoon’s penthouse, do his laundry, or even make sure that Namjoon was taking care of himself. There were a few nights where Jin had to  _ force _ Namjoon into bed but other than that, the elder vocalist had been helping out where he could, despite his production schedule (which he sort of put on hold for Namjoon without telling him…).

“Well, I have another day off tomorrow so I’ll come over.” the rapper smiled sweetly and Jin’s heart did a flip as his gaze lit up with excitement.

It’s not like they haven’t been hanging out recently or going out for drinks when they can. Jin has grown more addicted to Namjoon’s presence and with every passing minute he spends with the younger male, it’s like a breath of fresh air. He knows why he feels this way… and he knows he probably shouldn’t feel this way but he couldn’t help it. Plus, they were good friends… so this feeling should be a little normal. Right?

Namjoon sat comfortably at Jin’s kitchen counter as the elder stood across from him, making their lemon vodka tonic. Once he was done, he slid one glass over to Namjoon who thanked him. They stayed in their respectful places in silence for a few minutes, enjoying the refreshing taste of the alcohol.

“So… is this week gonna be like the last few weeks?” Jin finally broke the silence, asking out of curiosity.

He wanted to be able to take Namjoon out to another dinner again, especially since it’s been a few weeks since they went somewhere nice. Despite the fact that he found some time throughout the past weeks to take Namjoon out to eat, the places weren’t fancy or expensive. They were just small, quick restaurants since that was all Namjoon had time for.

“Eh… this week should slow down. We found some good employees to run the museum. I just… you know, like to make an appearance since it did just open. However, I know I have a board meeting this week because they found another venue and they want to open  _ another _ museum.” Namjoon sounded upset with this idea, and quite frankly… he looked beyond stressed out just thinking about it. Jin frowned when Namjoon grumbled something under his breath.

“That’s too soon. You just opened one…? Shouldn’t the company… I don't know -  _ wait _ ?” Jin finally responded as Namjoon essentially downed the last half of his drink in one go. The vocalist didn’t say anything, and he tried not to stare in surprise. He knows Namjoon is beyond stressed out right now… and this topic didn’t seem to be helping. He also knows that Namjoon has recently picked up a little habit in drinking. It wasn’t too serious as the ex-leader is pretty responsible but Jin was still concerned.

“Yeah, that’s what I’m going to say. I doubt they’ll listen to me.”

“You’re not a pushover, Namjoon-ah. Speak up. It is your company.” Jin shot back a little quickly… and a little aggressively. Namjoon just peered at the elder male in surprise and a pang of guilt quickly flooded Jin’s systems. “I’m sorry…” he added, Namjoon shook his head dismissively.

“No, hyung You’re um… you’re actually right.” He chuckled, shaking his head. “I’m just being an idiot. I’m not a pushover… I just - I don’t know why I’m sulking about it.” Namjoon admitted. It felt good to hear that, though.

The rapper had been talking to Yoongi about the situation… but Yoongi is different. He’s pretty gentle with Namjoon… and is more focused on supporting Namjoon to make his own choices. He knows the older rapper has opinions - he can see it in his gaze and heart in his voice when they talk but Yoongi never verbally admits anything. To be honest, it’s a little offsetting. Sometimes that’s what Namjoon needs… is for someone to just tell him straight up. Jin did that in the past when it was necessary. He always knew when Namjoon needed it… just like he needed it now.

“Oh. Um…”

“Thank you.” Namjoon chuckled, a warm smile plastering his beautiful face as he looked at Jin. The vocalist chuckled, dismissing it as he took Namjoon’s glass and made him another drink. “And for the record, this week should actually be a little slower. Why do you ask, though?”

“Will you be free Saturday night…?” Jin asked sheepishly. Namjoon knew what was coming… and to be quite frank, he could use another ‘not-a-date’ dinner like the last. Maybe not one that ended the same way but he could use the dinner with Jin itself.

“I can make myself free.” Namjoon shot back slyly and Jin flushed dark. He slid Namjoon his refilled glass and the rapper thanked him as he took a sip.

“Okay well then make yourself free. I’m taking you out to dinner again.” Jin admitted with a light laugh and the younger male agreed. “Is there something in specific you want…?”

“No.” Namjoon smiled, “just surprise me.”

“Sounds good then. I’ll pick you up at 8.” Jin grinned. He didn’t know where to take Namjoon. There were quite a bit of places that the rapper liked and quite a bit of nice places in Seoul that Namjoon hasn’t been to but he doesn’t want to take him somewhere new and have him  _ not _ enjoy it. Perhaps he was overthinking, Jin didn’t know. He’ll figure it out later within the week… he had enough time to think about it anyway.

The rest of the night went by pretty smoothly. Namjoon and Jin moved from the counter to Jin’s couch, where they drank a lot more than the both of them intended but they didn’t really notice that. They sort of just went with it, spending the night talking and even playing a few more rounds of ‘Among Us’. They even took another selca to post on Twitter, which fans  _ raved _ about. Two posts in one day…? That’s a new record (especially with how active they’ve been since the group split). Plus, it was Jin and Namjoon.

Fans knew about their parting. They weren’t aware of every heart wrenching detail but they did hear that Namjoon and Jin fought and weren’t on talking terms. It broke their heart. However, recently, fans have been going crazy because the press has been all over Namjoon and Jin. Photos have been taken of them from their dinner and wherever else they’ve been together throughout the past weeks. Press has been raving, articles about them have been taking over the internet and their names haven’t left the worldwide trends for days now… and  _ finally _ , they’re getting a selca. Twitter was blowing up…  _ Namjin _ quickly becoming the number one trend worldwide on the stupid bird app.

The two of them were now curled up together on Jin’s sofa. Namjoon had his head resting against Jin’s chest, the vocalist’s arm slung over his shoulder comfortably. The television was playing the Vampire Diaries (because Namjoon already knew it was Jin’s guilty pleasure). It was silent between the two of them as they focused on the screen.

“I missed this - us.” Namjoon said after a brief moment of silence. His voice was heavy, an effect of the amount of alcohol he’s consumed. Jin’s heart did a literal flip in his chest as his eyes went wide. Did he hear that right? He didn’t know why the words had such an effect on him. Was it because he, too, missed Namjoon. He, too, missed what they had right… or was it the way Namjoon said it that really hit him? Despite how heavy his voice was… there was raw emotion in his words and the look in Namjoon’s glazed eyes only made that emotion stronger.

“I - me too, Joon-ah.” Jin finally said, though his voice was cautious. He didn’t entirely know if it was alcohol speaking for Namjoon… but he did know that he wouldn’t have admitted he did too if it wasn’t for the alcohol.

“I broke up with Seonghwa because he wasn’t you. I mean, I know I told you that already but I - you were the only person I wanted and…” Namjoon shook his head as his voice became thicker with emotion. His eyes began to water as he pulled back, sniffling. “I’m sorry. I just - I just want you to know that I never thought I’d be able to be here - like this, with you again…” 

Jin moved to wipe the tears that had spilled on Namjoon’s golden cheeks. His eyes were painfully heartbroken, and Jin couldn’t help but share that same feeling. Here, he thought he was just being a burden to Namjoon… entering his life to torture him. Now he knows that the rapper actually  _ wants _ him there… he’s just been too stupid.

Jin’s hand lingered on Namjoon’s soft cheek as they stared at each other. Though it was silent… their eyes communicated perfectly with each other. Words didn’t need to be said. Namjoon’s eyes flicked to Jin’s lips and the vocalist caught the movement.

“I really missed you.. Hyung. I’m glad you’re back in my life..” he whispered as if he were scared of speaking. His bottom lip was trembling, eyes still watering. Namjoon’s breathing was as uneven as his voice and Jin couldn’t take it. Not the way Namjoon looked at him like that.

Slowly, yet cautiously… he moved closer. Namjoon didn't budge, in fact… he too, leaned in toward Jin and before the both of them knew, their lips met in a soft yet sensual kiss. It felt all too natural, like it was meant to be. The way their lips moved carefully against one another’s. Jin’s heart was pounding in his chest but he felt as if he was actually breathing again for the first time in a long time.

Namjoon pressed forward just a little more, desperate for the familiar feeling of safety and home. He never felt so alive, veins burning with electricity however, his mind didn’t let him enjoy it for that long. He snapped back and pulled away, leaving Jin with a surprised look.

“I - that was a mistake.” Namjoon stuttered as he stood up, grabbing his jacket and phone. “I have to go.” Jin could feel his whole heart shattering within his chest. He felt ice cold, mind frozen in place as he fought himself to move.

“Wait, Joon-ah!” Jin finally shot up, grabbing Namjoon’s arm. The rapper yanked himself away, their eyes meeting. Namjoon’s gaze was cold and scared… Jin was hurt and confused. He didn’t want Namjoon to leave. He wanted to know why the rapper was suddenly so closed off. What did he mean by it was a mistake? “Why? What was a mistake?”

“Kissing you, hyung! It shouldn’t have happened. I’m just drunk and I need to go home.” He snapped but Jin wasn’t going to let it go. He fought this hard to get back into Namjoon’s life.

“What? But-“

“I know what I said and I should’ve kept my mouth shut.” the rapper shot back icily. “I did miss you but I can’t. I can’t do this again.” Namjoon finally said, his voice was a little gentler but it still felt like Jin was being stabbed over and over. It suddenly felt as if an elephant was sitting on him. He felt isolated, suffocated… and beyond pain.

“What do you mean you can’t do this again..?” He said, his heart in his throat. It took everything in him to keep his voice from breaking… but his eyes gave it all away. He swallowed hard, his mind finally catching up to what Namjoon was implying.

“I can’t let you leave me again-“

“-except I  _ tried _ to make an effort to talk to you but you cut me off!” Jin interjected, his pain turning into anger. Namjoon was taken aback by the sudden change in emotion, noticing how Jin’s ears went red. “You cut  _ everyone  _ off! We were worried sick about you and you didn’t even give a shit about anyone but yourself. Plus,  _ you’re  _ the one walking away!”

“That’s fucking rich coming from you.” Namjoon spat back, blood beginning to boil. “I needed time.” He took a step toward the elder male, shoving his finger in Jin’s shoulder. “You tore my fucking heart out -  _ humiliated  _ me. You fucking broke everything in me when you left. What made you think I wanted to be affiliated with you again? I don’t trust you anymore - I can’t trust anyone anymore! You made sure of that. There isn’t anyone else I can care for the way I cared about you… but you took my fucking heart and left it in the dust… and for what? You never fucking  _ bothered _ to give me any sort of explanation. All you fucking left me with was ‘ _ I’m sorry, Joon-ah but I can’t do this. I don’t want to ruin what we have.’”  _ Namjoon mocked Jin’s final words perfectly, “but guess what, hyung? You did. You fucking ruined that we had… and you ruined  _ me _ in the process.”

Jin was taken aback. Namjoon really was holding back in all those previous conversations... and he didn’t even bother to ask about how he felt. What was worse was that Namjoon was right. He did ruin what they had…. and he fucked Namjoon over in the process. He broke his trust, his heart… his ability to love and see the good in people. So much so that Namjoon had to break it off with a completely amazing person all out of fear. Jin broke him completely… and then left him all alone to pick up the pieces.

“Joon-ah, please. Don’t walk away from me.” Jin fought to keep Namjoon here. “I’m not going to let you walk out of my life like I have in the past.” he grabbed the rapper’s arm again but was met with a fist in the face. Stumbling back, he looked at Namjoon who was just as surprised, hand in a fist.

“I didn’t walk out of your life. You walked out of mine.” Namjoon found it in him to respond before he turned around and walked out the door.

...and Jin let him go.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaand that's some heavy ass angst, huh? Don't worry, there's more to come :)
> 
> Thank you for taking the time to read! Please be sure to leave a comment and check out my page for more fics!!
> 
> Next chapter will be posted on the 20th of December!!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING
> 
> This chapter mentions suicidal thoughts so PLEASE read with caution. It doesn't go into heavy description, it's just mentioned.

***** TW MENTIONS OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS *****

**_Chapter Seven:_ ** _ Aftermath _

  
  


“I kissed him.”

  
  


*** * ***

  
  


“He kissed me.”

  
  


*** * ***

  
  


Jimin looked at Jin with wide eyes. He had stopped chewing on his sushi completely as he just stared at Jin, taken aback. Jin didn’t say anything more, he just uncomfortably peered at his untouched tuna roll.

Namjoon and Jin kissed and fought three days ago. Jin had a few days to think about it, needing the break and today? He woke up and called Jimin, insisting he get his afternoon free so they could go out and get some food together because he had to talk. He needed someone to vent to. He needed to get the situation off his chest. It was eating him alive.

“You kissed him?”

  
  


*** * ***

  
  


“...and what happened?”

“I punched him.” Namjoon looked at his lap shamefully. Yoongi choked on his coffee, sitting across the sofa from Namjoon. He certainly wasn’t expecting that response.

Namjoon didn’t invite Yoongi over. In fact, the elder rapper showed up unexpectedly (with food) and demanded to talk to Namjoon. After all, the ex-leader has been avoiding calls and texts for three days and Yoongi was beginning to get worried. He scoped out the company and found out that Namjoon had called in for the week, which was weird (and Yoongi picked up on it). Namjoon was typically one to throw himself in his work unless shit was too difficult to deal with… then he’d shut down completely. Noticing this, Yoongi decided it was best to go scope out Namjoon’s penthouse, which is where he found him.

“Why did you punch him?”

  
  


*** * ***

  
  


“I deserved it.” Jin said, completely guilt ridden. He finally ate a piece of his tuna roll, though he would’ve enjoyed it more if he didn’t feel so upset.

He knows he fucked up. Not only did he kiss Namjoon, he broke Namjoon’s heart. He tore him apart and then left him all alone… to deal with the broken pieces himself. He didn’t bother to ask the younger male how he felt, Jin just broke it off. Now? Namjoon couldn’t get into a relationship  _ because of him _ . He’s too caught up on Jin… too broken over Jin… too scared because of Jin… so when he had an opportunity to be in a healthy relationship, he broke it off in spite of fear.

Fear that is caused by Jin. The elder never knew such guilt could exist… but he now swears he has never felt more guilty in his life and he probably never will feel this amount of guilt ever again.

“I broke his heart, Jimin. I broke his trust. I broke the very man I  _ promised _ I would never ruin…” the elder wanted to cry. He could feel the tears creeping up through his eyes as they began to burn. He could feel the heavy lump in his throat, the way his chest felt squished. He could feel the way it took every muscle for his heart to beat. It was not an unnatural feeling… but it was an unpleasant yet powerful sensation. Jin’s felt heartbreak before… but never to this extent. “and instead of trying to understand him, I was a dumbass and got pissed with him.”

  
  


*** * ***

  
  


“...so you punched him?”

“I wasn’t thinking, hyung! I was so overridden with countless emotions and thoughts that I just reacted and it didn’t occur to me that I punched him until I was out of the fucking door!” Namjoon explained, though his voice was airy and desperate for understanding. He really didn’t know  _ why  _ he punched Jin. He felt like shit… but he was so angry and hurt and upset that it just sort of happened? He knew he needed to leave the building and the elder was keeping him back… he didn’t know why he thought it would’ve been a good idea to meet his fist with Jin’s face but it happened.

“Well… there’s nothing you can do to take it back now.” Yoongi finally said, his voice remained soft. He was understanding, and he so badly wanted to tell Namjoon that he and Jin so obviously need each other but he wasn’t one to intervene with personal decisions like such. He’d give his advice, but he’d be careful about it. Namjoon is his own man… and he can make his own choices. Yoongi didn’t want to influence those big decisions… because sometimes, people learn things better the hard way and as much as it pains him to see Namjoon suffering… he knows that his friend will come out on top in the end.

“I know I just…” Namjoon shook his head. His mind spun with the idea that he might’ve just lost Jin forever. Which… he was sort of thinking that was how the situation would’ve been until he and Jin started to recently hang out again. He wants the elder back in his life - everything feels in place with him there. Nothing had ever felt more right until Jin walked back into his life except… at the same time, there’s that small voice in Namjoon’s head reminding him of everything that happened. The heartbreak. The loneliness. The broken trust. The nights he spent awake, crying his eyes out. The nightmares. The fact that Namjoon had contemplated taking his own life after the group split and they had stopped talking.

Now, Namjoon was sobbing. All these thoughts coming back at once began to overwhelm him. He didn’t know how to stop the waterfall of tears that tore their way out, or the sob that shook his body. He buried his face in his hands, shaking his head over and over. He just wanted it to stop, the pain, the thinking,  _ everything. _

“Namjoon-“ Yoongi was immediately by his side, pulling him into a hug as his friend cried. He hated this, seeing his friend so undeniably torn apart. It broke his heart, more than he cared to admit. “I’m here.” he whispered, not wanting to say anything in regards to ‘it’s okay’ because he knows it’s not - he knows Namjoon isn’t okay and he knows his friend just needs someone there for him… so that’s what Yoongi will do.

Be there for him.

  
  


*** * ***

  
  


“I know you said you don’t want to talk about it anymore but…” Jimin bit his bottom lip. He and Jin had finished their sushi and walked around the city for a bit, doing some shopping to take the older vocalist’s mind off his current situation at hand. Issue is, Jimin knows it’s only going to continue to tear Jin up from within. He let him have a few hours to cool down… but now that their afternoon is coming to an end, he really didn’t want to leave Jin alone for another night with these thoughts. “I know you still care about him. I can see it. It’s written all over your face, hyung.”

Jin didn’t say anything as he set down the shirt he was looking at, turning to gaze at Jimin. Honestly, as much as he hated to admit it… his friend was right. He does care about Namjoon, he  _ never  _ stopped. It probably was painted all over his face, too. He’s never been one to hide his adoration for the rapper.

“Call him.” Jimin takes Jin’s hands to gain his full attention. “I know it’ll be hard but seriously.  _ Call him _ . Show him you still think about him by calling him first. Prove to him that you still care by calling him first. If you ignore the problem… you’ll end up losing him. You know how he is.” Jimin explained, his voice soft and reassuring. Jin hated how sweet Jimin could be - how influential he could be. “Call him tonight, hyung.”

Jin didn’t object. He didn’t say anything at all. He nodded, giving Jimin the nonverbal confirmation that he’ll call Namjoon tonight before pulling the younger idol in for a hug. Jimin immediately returned it, smiling softly to himself.

“Thank you.” Jin finally said, his voice nothing more than a whisper. He was scared that he was gonna start crying. He knew he was emotional, who wouldn’t be in a situation like this but he was also extremely grateful to have a friend like Jimin. Someone who's always willing to listen and always willing to help point him in the right direction.

  
  


*** * ***

  
  


“Don’t disappear on me again, okay Namjoon?” Yoongi said sternly as he held the man’s shoulders. Namjoon gave him a weak smile, but nodded nonetheless. “I’m serious when I say that I’m here for you. I care. You know you can trust me. You can tell me anything.. so  _ please _ don’t hesitate to call me if you need someone.” Yoongi’s voice remained soft yet serious. His tone was uncomfortably shaky… but he was also taking every ounce of control he had to not start crying.

Namjoon had come clean to Yoongi about how he handled the breakup at first. He told him  _ everything _ … including the part of him legitimately considering taking his life. Namjoon had felt so lost, so empty, so  _ broken _ that he didn’t fee like moving forward with his life. He trapped and wanted a release… and when he admitted these past thoughts to the elder rapper, he was taken by surprise. However, Yoongi remained extremely understanding yet, the the older male also couldn’t help feeling angry and hurt.

Namjoon understood why. He didn’t feel it was unfair for Yoongi to feel that way. He knows the elder man cares for him deeply… and while it is known for Namjoon to cut everyone out when things get difficult, he still should’ve made an effort to let someone help (especially Yoongi). While they have a different relationship than he and Jin… Yoongi is one of his most trusted friends. He knows that the elder man would be devastated if he lost Namjoon.

“I know, hyung. I know and I’m sorry I cut you out like that.” Namjoon finally spoke, though he avoided eye contact. He felt guilty.

“You have nothing to apologize for - nor do you have anything to feel guilty for. I just want you to remember that I care about you… and that you’re not alone.” Yoongi pulled him in for another hug. He was deathly scared. He didn’t want to lose his best friend. He didn’t want his best friend to suffer in silence. He wanted to make sure that Namjoon fully understood that he’d be there for him. “I’ve got to get home now, though. It’s sort of late and I have an appointment for the company I have to attend. Please call me if you need anything, though. Or Hoseok, you can call him too if I don’t pick up. Okay?”

“Okay.” Namjoon smiled as he and Yoongi broke apart from the hug. The both of them stood up, cleaning up their lunch mess. Once things were organized again. Yoongi turned to Namjoon and gave him a soft smile. “Thank you for showing up today.”

“I’m your friend, Namjoon. It’s my job to make sure you’re doing okay.” he smiled sweetly and said goodbye.

As the door locked, Namjoon turned around to look at his room. Suddenly, it didn’t feel as cold as it did. He didn’t feel as empty as he did. He felt better… reassured.. refreshed. It was nice to get his past off his chest… but also to be able to talk about the situation to someone instead of bottle it up. He still wasn’t going to go back to work for the week, deciding it would be best to have a break for the sake of his mental health but he felt better nonetheless.

Namjoon decided to draw himself a hot bath to calm his nerves further. He felt good, why not spoil himself a bit tonight? Choosing one of his favorite bath bombs that he’s been waiting to use (which was gifted to him by Yoongi a while ago), the ex-leader stripped and soaked in the hot water, watching as the bomb sizzled in reaction.

The rapper spent the next two hours soaking, washing, and applying an elaborate skin care routine. He drank lemon cucumber water (because why not) and once he felt refreshed for the night, he curled up on the sofa with a fuzzy blanket, his grey cat (Koya), and turned on Law & Order: SVU.

Namjoon got through three and a half episodes before he had to get up to grab some snacks and a drink. His cat made a grumbling noise when he moved but the rapper only chucked, grabbing a treat for Koya while he was up. As he was grabbing himself some blueberries to munch on, his phone went off. Curious as to who it was, he finished grabbing himself snacks and raced back to the sofa, settling himself in quite quickly before his heart stopped at the caller ID.

Namjoon contemplated hanging up, letting it ring, or actually answering the call. They haven’t talked since he punched him in a face and that was three days ago. After yesterday, the ex-leader was pretty set on the idea that Jin wanted nothing more to do with him… except now he was calling.

Hesitantly, Namjoon answered the phone and lifted it to his ear. It was quiet, other than a soft thrumming coming from the other side… as well as heavy breathing. Despite not being in the same room as Jin, every nerve in his body was on fire. He sat there, as still as a statue.

“Hello..? Namjoon-ah..? Are you there..?” Jin finally spoke through the phone, his voice sad but gentle. Namjoon choked up on his words. Should he respond or hang up? His heart was pounding in his chest, head spinning with thousands of different thoughts.

“I’m here…” he finally responded. His voice was a little louder than a whisper. He was afraid that his tone would be uneven. There was a pause from the other side. Namjoon didn’t know if he should ask if the elder was still there or just hang up.

“Hey, uh… I was wondering if you - are you busy tomorrow?” Jin finally spat out. At first, it sounded like he was trying to walk around his words but he gave up. Instead, he just spat out the question in his mind. Namjoon didn’t know how to respond. Should he lie? Should he make something up? Should he be honest but turn down whatever invitation is coming his way?

“No… I’m not busy tomorrow.” he finally responded, clearing his throat. His voice was much more firm, though Namjoon felt sick. He felt ready to puke his guts up, stomach resting right in his throat but he didn’t.

“Awesome. Um, think you can stop by tomorrow? I - we need to talk.” Jin sighed, he felt sort of relieved to know that Namjoon was free, though that nervous tick was still there. He may have gotten this far.. but the real question is: will Namjoon come over and be willing to have a conversation with him?

Namjoon sat there, staring at his cat. As if the animal was going to give him an answer, he shook his head at himself. His mind flashed back to some of the things Yoongi had said to him before he left… as well as some of the things he said to him when they went out for drinks a few weeks ago. Those words began to replay in Namjoon’s head as if they were on loop and he finally gave in.

“Yeah. I’ll be there at 10.” the ex-leader finally responded and he heard Jin let out a deep breath of air that he was probably holding.

“Okay, cool. See you tomorrow. Goodnight, Joon-ah.”

“Goodnight.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!! I hope you enjoyed this chapter.
> 
> Because this chapter went into more detail in regards to how Namjoon handled the break up, I will be posting their breakup as a side story. This won't be published till December 31st and the next chapter to this fic won't be published until January 4th. It's going to be a while but please stay posted!!! I hope you all have a wonderful holiday break and what not. Stay safe and stay healthy!! Sending much love to all of you.


	8. Chapter 8

**_Chapter Eight:_ ** _ Unrequited Desires _

  
  


Jin looked at himself in the mirror. He had dark circles under his eyes, his face a tad bit paler than normal. He was exhausted. He didn’t sleep last night. He couldn’t calm himself down last night after the phone call. His nerves were on overdrive and he tossed and turned most of the night instead of getting rest.

It was now 9:30 AM.

Namjoon would be at his house in half an hour… like he said he would, last night, when they talked.

Jin didn’t know if this was the right choice. Maybe Jimin was right. Maybe calling Namjoon and making the effort to talk to him will fix things. Perhaps things can get better from there… but there was a small voice in Jin’s head reminding him that  _ anything _ could go wrong. Maybe Namjoon doesn’t want to be a part of his life anymore. Maybe Namjoon doesn’t want anything to do with Jin anymore. Perhaps the other night was the last straw for the ex-leader… and he realized that he’s better off without Jin.

Jin cursed at himself in the mirror, turning off the bathroom lights to go organize his house a bit before the rapper would arrive.

Those thirty minutes of cleaning passed pretty fast. Before Jin knew, there was a knock at his door and there stood Namjoon. He looked shy… and worse than Jin. The bags under his eyes were far darker, he looked skinnier. He hadn’t been eating  _ again _ . Typical of Namjoon… especially when his emotions were all over the place. The older vocalist felt like shit because he knows he was the cause of this.

“Hey…” he said quite gently, moving to the side so the rapper could enter. Namjoon hesitantly walked in, giving minimal eye contact and a sad smile. Jin’s heart constricted painfully in his chest. He knows Namjoon was still hurt over their situation days ago and quite frankly, so was Jin but Jimin was right. If he wanted to keep the man in his life, he had to prove to Namjoon that he wanted him there. That he wanted to be there - especially because it was Jin who walked away first.

“Is there anything I can get you? Coffee, water, tea, or anything..? I’ve got juice, too.” Jin offered gently as he walked into his kitchen, Namjoon following behind slowly. He stood there awkwardly as Jin turned around to look at him. “You can sit there - or on the sofa. I feel the couch will be more comfortable anyway…” Jin offered gently with a shy smile. Namjoon barely returned it as he turned around to take a seat on the elder’s sofa, though he remained on edge.

“I’ll have some green tea, please.” the rapper finally responded to the question, his voice small. Jin nodded as he made two mugs of tea for the both of them and once they were done, he handed one to the rapper carefully and then took his seat across the sofa, a good distance away from the rapper. He felt it would be weird to be close to him, especially after their incident.

“I invited you over because I wanted to talk about what happened between the two of us…” Jin began. He felt there wasn’t a need for small talk… it would only make the situation both of them are in more awkward than it already is. Better to just get down to the point rather than to walk around it and then talk about it.

Namjoon’s gaze however, went slightly wide as he became just a little pale. Anxiety took over his body and he just sat there, staring at Jin, not knowing what to say. Should he apologize for punching the elder? Probably. After all, he did feel like shit for it. Violence is never the answer and he tries to refrain from becoming violent but the other night just… it was difficult.

“Look-”

“I’m sorry I kissed you. I should’ve not done it. I overstepped and I feel like complete shit and it wasn’t fair to you and I’m sorry.” Jin interrupted as he let his entire apology out in one breath. Namjoon just blinked, speechless. “Please say something.”

“I - I know why you kissed me.” Namjoon admitted, “and I - I’m sorry for punching you. Everything was just really overwhelming and I wasn’t thinking and it just sort of happened and I know that’s a shitty excuse but really… I’m sorry.” the rapper finally said his part and Jin only chuckled. Namjoon didn’t know whether to laugh with him or feel worse.

“Look, Joon-ah. I deserved it. I know you feel like shit about it but seriously, I deserved it. I should’ve not kissed you out of the blue like that I just…” the vocalist trailed off.

“You still have feelings for me.” Namjoon finished quietly and Jin shut his mouth, nodding in confirmation. The two of them sat there as an awkward silence blanketed the both of them, Namjoon sipping at his tea delicately. His heart was pounding in his chest. “I understand. I still have feelings for you, too…” Namjoon finally admitted, avoiding eye contact.

Jin didn’t know how to respond to the declaration. Should he hug him? Should he sit there? Part of him was happy to hear that Namjoon still shared the same feelings as him but another part of him was scared of what was next to come because from the looks of it, Namjoon had more to say.

“You do…?” Jin finally asked, his voice careful as he didn’t want to scare Namjoon into closing up on him. Especially not now.

“Yes, I do, hyung. I do but…” Namjoon shook his head and in that moment, Jin held his breath. Of course… there was more to be said. “I can’t get back together with you. I know it's unfair of me to admit my feelings and then say this but I - after what happened…” the rapper sighed, setting down his half empty mug of hot tea. “I’m not ready for a relationship. I’m glad to have you back in my life… and it’s nice to be able to trust you again but I need more time to think about everything - to sort out my thoughts and feelings. It would be foolish of me to get into a relationship right now.” Namjoon finished, running his fingers through his blue hair.

Jin could feel his heart breaking all over again. He wanted so badly to get Namjoon back. He wanted so badly to be able to call Namjoon his again, to be able to spoil him, to shower him in love and affection. Jin knows he fucked up, he knows he broke his heart and he knows he’s trying all that he can to get him back but he also knows that trust doesn’t just magically appear overnight. He understands where the rapper is coming from… and as much as it hurts him, he’s willing to wait. He’s willing to continue fighting for him.

“I understand.” Jin finally said, his voice soft. He smiled gently and Namjoon could feel the stress leaving his shoulders. It felt nice to get his confession of his chest but he was beyond nervous. He didn’t know how the elder would react. He knows he’s always been understanding but for some reason, Namjoon felt differently about this situation. Thankfully, his feelings were wrong. “I know what I did and I understand where you’re coming from. I’m willing to wait, Namjoon. However long it takes.”

Namjoon’s heart fluttered at the words. He didn’t know whether to feel reassured or sad. Reassured because Jin’s understanding. He’s kind. He’s patient. He’s prepared to wait for whenever the time comes - whenever Namjoon is ready to get back together. However, the rapper was also sad because what if when that time comes - when Namjoon is ready to get back into a relationship, he doesn’t have feelings for Jin? What if he wants someone else other than Jin? His heart ached at the thought of this… but then Yoongi’s words popped in his head as a reminder.

_ I don’t think there will be a ‘getting over it’ for you, Namjoon. _

And truth be told, Namjoon felt, especially now more than ever, that the elder rapper was probably right. Namjoon and Jin had a close friendship before their relationship evolved into something romantic and he probably won’t ever get over what happened. He may heal, yes… but not in a way where that hole of pain is filled. More so in a way that Namjoon just becomes accustomed to the pain. He may move on romantically, yes… but there will always be a part of him that wants Jin to remain in his life. Was this unhealthy? Only time could tell.

Namjoon pushed the thoughts aside.

“Thank you.” the rapper finally said and Jin only shook his head, dismissing the gratitude.

“If anything though… could we go back to being friends?” the vocalist asked carefully and a smile found the rapper’s lips. He nodded.

“Of course. I wouldn’t know what to do if you weren’t in my life.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Chapter 9 will be posted on January 15th! Please stay up to date and be sure to leave a comment below <3
> 
> I also posted Namjoon and Jin's breakup scene from the past as another part of this story. Perhaps go give that a read?? Along with some of my other fics??
> 
> Stay safe everyone!


	9. Chapter 9

**_Chapter Nine:_ ** _ Reality… or Stupidity? _

  
  


Namjoon was awoken by the sound of his phone going off, buzzing frantically on his nightstand. He groaned, grabbing the cellular device to see who was calling. Immediately, he shot up, feeling more awake than he did seconds ago. The caller ID read ‘Gguk’ and the time read ‘03:12’. The rapper decided to pick up, knowing the younger male would never call randomly at three in the morning if it wasn’t for something serious.

“Hello?” Namjoon was the first to speak, his voice thick with exhaustion. He rubbed his eyes.

“Namjoon-hyung? I’m sorry if I woke you up I just - I didn’t know who else to call.” Jungkook’s voice rang out from the phone. His words were slightly heavy, slightly slurred… there was no doubt the younger male had been drinking some form of alcohol. The rapper became worried.

“Are you alright? Do you need help? I can come pick you up if need be.” Namjoon’s voice immediately became filled with concern at the sound of Jungkook’s tone. It was not likely for him to call at three in the morning, and the fact that he said he didn’t know who else to call only made the ex-leader’s heart feel heavier.

“No - I - I’m at home right now. I’m okay I just - are you free at three?” His voice was cautious and quiet.

“Kook, it’s three right now.” Namjoon responded with a small chuckle.

“No, hyung-” he laughed breathlessly, “I mean in the afternoon. Twelve hours from now. Are you busy?”

“No, I’m free… why?” Namjoon furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. What would Jungkook need at three PM? His mind only spun in concern as time passed.

“Could I come over? I’ll bring dinner! I just - I need some advice.” the younger vocalist admitted sheepishly. Namjoon’s heart felt warm. It’s not new to him to give advice but it’s the idea that Jungkook wants  _ his _ advice that makes him feel happy. He’s been there countless times for Jungkook and the other members but it always makes him feel a different sort of special when they specifically ask him for help.

“Yes, you can.” Namjoon responded warmly and he could hear Jungkook breath out a breath he was probably holding in the midst of nervousness.

“Thank you so much, hyung! I’ll see you later! Sorry for waking you up. I hope you sleep well.” Jungkook said and as Namjoon said goodbye, the call was cut.

The elder rapper just stared at his dark wall, thinking to himself. He was still all sorts of worried. Was Jungkook in trouble? What was so important that it was keeping the poor boy up at three in the morning, drinking? What was so important that he had to call him a three in the morning to ask if they can meet up twelve hours later? Even though he said he was safe, Namjoon couldn’t help the waves of concern that washed over him. He plugged his phone back in and tried to get comfortable again in his bed… though he struggled to fall asleep. His mind was spinning with anxiety.

  
  


*  * *

  
  


Namjoon sighed as he sat down on his sofa. He had just finished doing a quick clean of his penthouse. While he was a naturally clean and somewhat organized person, there were times when he neglected to take care of his home. This week was one of those times and with Jungkook coming over in about an hour, he figured he should tidy up just a bit. Make his penthouse presentable.

The rapper chilled on the couch for the hour, scrolling through twitter and what not, reading (and replying) to some tweets that he found adorable. There were a few that were confusing (bad Korean), a few that were upsetting, and a few that made him really think about him and Jin.

Since their selca, with all the press he and Seokjin have been getting, fans have been raving on twitter. His name, Jin’s name, their ‘ship’ name hasn’t left the twitter trends at all. They’ve dropped, moved up, dropped, and moved back up but never left the worldwide trends. They were talked about  _ everywhere _ . Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, Weverse… Namjoon didn’t know why they were such a hot topic. Surely Yoongi and Hoseok should be widely mentioned? Or Jimin and Taehyung? What about Jungkook and Taeyong and the collaboration they’re doing? While they were easily talked about amongst social media, they weren’t widely as popular as ‘namjin’ - which was probably because it was sort of ‘old news’.

There was a knock at his door. Namjoon looked at the time… it was 14:58. He knew who it was as he stood up.

“Hey, Kook.” Namjoon smiled sweetly once the door was open, moving out of the way to invite the younger male in. He smiled brightly, though he had a nervous tick in his eyes. He had heavy bags and his eyes were red. Was he… crying? Namjoon’s heart dropped at the sight as worry and curiosity flooded his veins.

Thanking his hyung, he entered with bags of drinks, snacks, and dinner (like promised). Namjoon smiled at the gesture.

“You only agreed to dinner. You didn’t have to bring drinks and snacks, silly.” the rapper teased and the vocalist flushed in embarrassment.

“I know, hyung. I just felt bad for waking you up this morning so… I figured I should buy some snacks and drinks. Besides, you always have boring snacks.” he stuck out his tongue in a teasing manner as Namjoon’s ears turned bright red.

“Alright, alright. Do you want something to drink?”

“We’ll just grab something from the bag.” Jungkook responded as he began to unpack the food. Namjoon helped him, putting a dinner in the fridge and some of the snacks away. A few of them though, he decided to keep with him and the two of them eventually made themselves comfortable on the couch. They weren’t super close, but close enough for it to not be awkward. However, Jungkook still seemed to be on edge.

“So… what’d you want to talk about?” Namjoon asked, deciding to get to the point.

“You know how I’m doing a collaboration with Taeyong from NCT?” Jungkook asked and Namjoon nodded. He heard of the collaboration and he thought it was a wonderful idea. Taeyong was a respectable, well verse rapper. Jungkook had the voice of an angel. Surely, their song would be beautiful and the ex-leader was excited to hear what was going to be released. “Alright well… he’s of course, close to everyone in NCT. Lately though, he’s had these guys named Jaehyun and Johnny around. And I mean, they’re cool but-”

“...but? Is everything okay between you all? Is there tension?” Namjoon furrowed his eyebrows in worry. Jungkook bit his bottom lip.

“Well… yeah there is tension but it’s not  _ bad _ … and I mean, it’s only with  _ one guy _ .” Jungkook hesitated, scratching the back of his head. His ears were bright pink, cheeks flushed just barely as his eyes became skittish. Namjoon tilted his head, indicating that he wanted to hear more. “Like, Jaehyun is cool and all. You know, he’s been my friend for a while but it’s not Jaehyun who I’m talking about. Or Taeyong. It’s Johnny.”

“Johnny?” Namjoon frowned. He’s heard the name before, probably has seen the face before but truth be told, Namjoon did have a rough time remembering faces. He’s met so many idols, models, actors, and what not in the past years that remembering faces with names has been a blur. Jungkook however, already knew this because he could relate so he was in the process of whipping out his phone to pull up a photo. He showed Namjoon, whose eyes widened.

Johnny was beautiful. He had a well sculpted face, perfect plump lips, a body that he obviously worked hard for. His smile lit up his face and was warm - genuine. Namjoon easily found him to be attractive, as well as familiar. He began to remember.

“What’s wrong with him?”

“ _ Hyung _ .” Jungkook whined, “There is nothing wrong with him I just…”

“If there’s nothing wrong then why do you look like you’ve been losing sleep and crying? Why were you up, buzzed on alcohol, at three in the morning?” Namjoon shot back with a sly smile and Jungkook groaned, hiding his face in his hands.

“I know I have nothing to be embarrassed about. I just-” he shook his head. He was flushed, but also nervous. Namjoon picked up on this and he moved closer, placing a hand on Jungkook’s shoulder reassuringly. “He’s super sweet, hyung. He’s kind, funny, charismatic… he tells the  _ stupidest _ jokes like, you think Jin-hyung’s jokes are bad? Let me tell you about Johnny’s jokes but the way he laughs makes them funny. He’s really caring, selfless, and light-hearted. He’s sweet - brings me lunch and drinks and snacks like  _ all the time. _ ” 

Jungkook basically gushed and Namjoon couldn’t help but smile. However, at the same time, the way he explained this man made the rapper think about Jin. Jin was kind, he was charismatic, funny and had shitty jokes but his laugh made up for it. His laugh was toxic and always brought a smile to Namjoon’s face. Jin has always spoiled Namjoon, cared for him… and recently has brought him lunch or taken him - or more so forced him to go out so he wouldn’t drown in his work. As Jungkook explained this ‘Johnny’, Namjoon couldn’t help but realize that Jin was the same way. Johnny was the Jin in Jungkook’s life...

“He spoils me. He takes me out for food, to the zoo, to the movies, teaches me how to enjoy life some more. He makes me take breaks to take care of myself, gives me a massage after a rough day… I think…” Jungkook trailed off.

“You’re falling for him, aren’t you?” Namjoon easily guessed as he related to his own feelings for an answer and Jungkook nodded, though his head dropped. He knew there was more to the reason as to why Jungkook was here. Just as there was more to the reason as to why Namjoon wasn’t in a relationship with Jin but rather friends instead. “...but?”

“I haven’t - like, I know I’ve been… I’ve been with men and women both, before but I haven’t been in a serious relationship for a  _ long _ time… and I also haven't um - come out - yet… and I know everyone is pretty accepting nowadays but - I don’t know how my new bosses and managers will take it, either. I really enjoy producing music but I also feel sort of… lonely? I mean, I haven’t been actively looking for a relationship because of my previous relationship but Johnny sort of just snuck up on me and I want to tell him how I feel.” Jungkook sighed as he ran his fingers through his long, dark hair. Namjoon felt a pang of sadness. “I just - I’m afraid to admit it to him. What if he doesn’t feel the same way? What if he is just a nurturing friend as it is and I’m reading too much into it? What if he wants to focus on his career and he doesn’t  _ want  _ a relationship - or, or he’s not looking for a relationship? What if I get my heart broken - again?” Jungkook was freaking out. Namjoon grabbed his hands gently, hoping the physical touch would get him to focus again. It did.

He’s always had his suspicion of Jungkook, though never asked or said anything. He didn’t want to infringe on Jungkook’s personal life, mostly because he is accepting but he also didn’t want the younger male to feel vulnerable or uncomfortable. He kept his distance and mouth shut, but also made it known that if Jungkook ever needed someone to talk to or such, he would be there. He also knew that the younger vocalist has had issues in the past with relationships. He was well aware of how his last one ended… and was well aware of the toll it took on Kook. He didn’t ever want to see him that hurt again - though he also knows he can't protect him from everything.

“Kook-” Namjoon sighed as he pulled the younger male into a hug. Jungkook accepted it willingly, sniffling just lightly. “Don’t feel pressured to put a label on what you like. Don’t feel pressured to come out before you’re ready. Take your time. I understand it’s scary but you have me and the rest of us, too. You know we’ll always support you.” Namjoon assured him as he pulled back, Jungkook wiping a few tears from his face. “And fuck your company if they don’t accept you. You can always come back to BigHit, you know…” Namjoon winked.

“I know.” Jungkook chuckled lightheartedly, “Only, SM loathes BigHit so if I go back… then I won’t be able to continue my collaboration with Taeyong.” He frowned and Namjoon rolled his eyes.

“Ugh, entertainment companies are ridiculous. All drama, no brains. I wish we could all just get along. I mean, imagine all the cool shit groups could do.” Namjoon babbled and Jungkook laughed in agreement. “Anyways, like I said. I accept you for who you are… and if this Johnny person makes you happy, don’t let that go. I know it can be scary - especially with your past but if you let fear control your life then you’ll miss out on amazing opportunities you may regret in the future. I’m not saying jump into it if you’re not ready. Of course, if you feel you aren’t ready then wait. Take your time… but try not to let him go in the process.” Namjoon smiled warmly.

If only he would have listened to his own advice.... Maybe he and Jin would be in a different spot.

They were silent for a few minutes, though Jungkook remained in his hyung’s embrace.

“I only live once.” Jungkook said somewhat out of the blue. Namjoon raised an eyebrow. “I don’t think I’m going to wait. The longer I wait, the more opportunities I miss and I mean - you’re right. I have you, Jin, Jimin, Yoongi, Hoseok, and Taehyung. I’m not alone, and BigHit still wants me so if things go south well…” Jungkook shrugged as he whipped out his phone. “At least I know I left JYP making a good choice for myself. We always preach about self acceptance and love and here I am: questioning myself. What a hypocrite I am. I’m just going to full send.” Jungkook said with a sly smile.

“What are you doing?” Namjoon’s eyebrows furrowed as he watched the vocalist carefully. The younger male was focused on his phone, fingers moving frantically and in just a matter of moments, he was turning off his cellular device.

“I texted Johnny and asked if he could meet up tomorrow morning.” Jungkook smiled proudly. “He does make me happy and I’m not going to let that go - nor am I going to live in fear. I shouldn’t let my past relationships have that sort of hold on me… not anymore.”

Namjoon didn’t know how to respond. He just stared at Jungkook, who was literally shining with happiness. He could clearly see that the younger male was proud of his choices, how easily he was going to just live his life. How easily he was going to take things to the next level with Johnny… how he was going after what he wanted despite just minutes ago questioning himself - fearing himself. Namjoon honestly felt a little jealous? He was mostly proud but he couldn’t help but wish he had that same fearlessness in him when it came to Jin.

Finally though, Namjoon smiled warmly.

“Well, I’m glad I could help.” the rapper said quite honestly.

“I knew you could. I guess I just needed that extra push.” Jungkook responded a bit shy, which took Namjoon off guard. He was about to ask what the vocalist meant by what he said but Jungkook didn’t let him as he knew what Namjoon was going to say next. “I know you and Jin-hyung have recently fought. What happened?”

Namjoon felt cold. He didn’t know why, he just felt cold. Eyes wide in surprise, he just blinked at the younger male with an unreadable expression. Of course it wasn’t really no secret, the seven members talked about almost everything with each other. If something happened, the other knew (for the most part), but it was also just strange because surely, Jungkook must know that Namjoon and Jin aren’t together.

“We talked last night.” the rapper finally found words within him, “We’re fine now. I mean, we’re friends, nothing more.” he admitted.

“Hyung, you care about him as much as I care about Johnny - probably more to be honest.” Jungkook responded and Namjoon hated how he felt that the younger male was right. “Why aren’t you guys together - or trying to be or what not? I don’t mean to be intrusive I just - you give me the best advice and reassurance but for some reason… you go against your own words. He obviously makes you happy…” Jungkook trailed off. He didn’t mean to sound pushy, and Namjoon knew that. He just couldn’t help the shitty feeling that flooded him.

“Because I don’t think I’m ready-”

“When are we ever really ready?” Jungkook shot back with a shit-eating grin and the rapper was blown away. Jungkook had a point and Namjoon hated it. “I know he broke your heart, hyung. I’m not trying to force you guys back together, really. It’s your choice after all, I’m just curious. That’s all. Sorry.” 

“Don’t apologize, Kook.” Namjoon responded gently, “You’re right, you know. We are never truly ready. That is all just something we say to make ourselves or other people feel better but life is unpredictable. I guess I’m just afraid and I’m letting it take the wheel for now.” he admitted with a shrug. “I don’t know to be honest. I sort of want to tell him how I feel but like I said I just… I’m not ready. I don’t want to.”

“And that’s fine, too, you know.” Jungkook added with the raise of his eyebrows. Namjoon was about to make some sort of protest. “Don’t look at me like that. I know you better than you think, hyung. I know you’re secretly blaming yourself for not telling him how you feel and I’m telling you that’s stupid.” Jungkook took a chug from his drink that he had brought. “Take your time. There’s nothing wrong with that. Remind yourself that, please?”

Namjoon humphed in response and Jungkook chuckled light heartedly. The rapper couldn’t help the smile that found his face.

“This was supposed to be about you but thank you, Kook.” Namjoon finally said when the vocalist was done laughing. Jungkook shook his head in dismissal.

The two of them spent some more time together. They ate snacks, ate dinner, played some video games (which Jungkook was painfully good at), took and posted a photo, watched a movie and eventually called it a night. While Namjoon felt good about what he did for Jungkook today, he also felt reassured. As he was giving the younger male advice, he found that he was also giving himself something to think about.

Is he going to tell Jin how he feels… or is he going to continue to wait?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for taking the time to read this chapter!! Next chapter will be published on February 5th! I know it's a pretty long wait but I've got some stuff I need to do this next month so I won't have a lot of time to work on future chapters so I have to slow down the publication dates.
> 
> Please be sure to leave a comment and check out my other works! It's much appreciated <3


	10. Chapter 10

**_Chapter Ten:_ ** _ Self Reflection _

  
  


**_Yoongs:_ ** _ You better come and help us plan our fucking wedding or I swear, I will purposely lose your invitation. _

**_Joon:_ ** _ Okay, okay! I’ll be there tonight! I promise! _

  
  


*  * *

  
  


“I’m glad you took my threat seriously.” Yoongi smiled sweetly as he held the door open for Namjoon, who entered with a roll of his eyes.

“I never knew you had the dramatics in you to be able to impose such a threat, hyung.” the younger rapper shot back and Yoongi chuckled light heartedly.

“Jimin and Taehyung are already here. They’re in the living room with Hoseok.” Yoongi said gently and led the way as Namjoon followed behind him. It’s not like he wasn’t familiar with their house… it’s just been a while since he was last here.

‘He’s just here to help plan - right?” Jimin pointed at Namjoon as he looked at Yoongi. “We shouldn’t have him helping set up. He might break something!” the dark blue hair maled joked teasingly and the rapper rolled his eyes. Jimin giggled as he got up to give Namjoon a tight hug. “It’s so good to see you again, hyung!”

The five of them huddled around several binders, which were filled with all sorts of wedding ideas. Venues, flowers, music, themes, decor… Jimin and Taehyung had spent the entirety of yesterday finding wedding idea binders to help with the planning. Yoongi and Hoseok had both told them not to, telling them they could just look online but the both of them insisted that the more ideas they had to choose from, the better.

They talked for hours, arguing on which flowers were better, which venue would go with which theme, what colors to use, Yoongi and Hoseok’s outfits… they talked about the reception, vows, and whatnot. Eventually, they had their sights narrowed down to a few select opinions for all the different things they had to do and Yoongi and Hoseok told everyone that the would make the final decisions.

“Don’t fuck it up.” Jimin teased and Yoongi shot him a death glare. “I was kidding, hyung.” Jimin finally said, his face faltering. Yoongi softened his gaze and Jimin finally relaxed, now understanding that he was joking.

“Anyone want anything to drink?” Hoseok piped up.

“Water.” Yoongi responded, “please.”

“Got some tea?” Taehyung asked.

“I’ll have a beer.” Jimin winked.

“I’ll take some water, too.” Namjoon responded and Hoseok nodded.

“Yes, we do have tea and beer? Really, Jimin?”

“It’s five o’clock somewhere.” the vocalist shot back smoothly, though his face was lit up with an innocent smile. Taehyung snickered, Yoongi rolled his eyes, and Namjoon only smiled. Hoseok shook his head.

“Any of you want beer?”

“Sure.” Taehyung responded, Yoongi only nodded. Namjoon shook his head, deciding to stick with water. Hoseok disappeared into the kitchen and brought back everyone’s beverages a few moments later.

The five of them sat around and conversed with one another for about 45 minutes. They talked about the wedding, joked about the wedding, talked about recent activities and plans they had. Namjoon however, remained silent. He sipped delicately on his water, watching everyone else converse. It’s not that he felt left out, he just didn’t have the drive to talk much about his recent situations.

However, that silence only lasted as long as Jimin didn’t pay much attention.

“Namjoon-hyung! How are things going with you and Jin?” all eyes were on him the moment Jimin mentioned the elder,  _ especially  _ Yoongi’s. Afterall, he knew more about how Namjoon felt about the entire situation than the others because the ex-leader talked to him the most about his feelings and recent activities.

“Um… I - we’re in a good spot now.” He smiled sheepishly, scratching the back of his neck. He didn’t really know what else to add to it. Jimin frowned.

“Um… that doesn’t mean  _ much _ . Details!”

“Well, we’re friends. That’s it. There’s not much to it.” Namjoon responded, though his voice came out to be slightly defensive. Hoseok and Taehyung both raised their eyebrows, Yoongi frowned at him and Jimin’s face fell. He looked sort of defeated. Instant guilt flooded Namjoon’s system. “I - sorry. I didn’t mean to sound rude, I just…” he shook his head in frustration.

Truth be told, there was more to it - more to his thoughts. He’s been thinking about their ‘relationship’ ever since Jungkook came over to talk to him about Johnny. He’s been thinking about it, repeating what Jungkook said to him, repeating his own advice he gave the younger male in his head. Namjoon was so confused, lost, mentally  _ stuck _ that he was becoming sort of impatient - especially with himself.

“I talked to Jungkook the other night. I’m not going to say about what because it’s not my place to tell  _ but _ he sort of turned it around on me and made me realize a few things.” Namjoon sighed, shaking his head. “I - I want to get back with him but at the same time I don’t think I’m ready to? Like… I don’t know. I just - I’ve been thinking a whole lot, that’s all.” he didn’t know how to put his thoughts into words.

“You’re afraid of him walking out on you again.” Yoongi spoke up first and Namjoon nodded. Of course the elder rapper would know. Afterall, he was the one that was there to comfort him the day Jin broke it off. He was the one who held him as he cried, rubbed his back, reassured him… he was the only one that stuck around - the one that really made the most effort to reach out to him. Even when Namjoon  _ never _ responded.

“But he’s making the effort to stay in your life right now…?” Jimin began.

“That doesn’t erase what he did or the effect it had on Namjoon.” Yoongi spoke too quickly, voice cold. Taehyung, Jimin, and Hoseok snapped their heads to look at the man, complete confusion on their features. Namjoon looked away from the group, whose eyes had shifted to him.

“What does that mean?” Jimin asked. No answer. “What does he mean by that, Namjoon?”

“You were there.” Taehyung, who was quiet for most of the conversation was the first to figure it out. “You were there when it happened, weren’t you?” Namjoon looked at Yoongi, who pressed his lips together.

“Yes, I was. I was there right after it happened.” Yoongi responded, his voice somewhat dark. The room was filled with an uncomfortable silence. Namjoon didn’t know what to say, Yoongi was becoming heated, Hoseok looked like he sort of had his suspicions, Taehyung looked sad and Jimin? He had guilt all over his face. “I love Jin-hyung. Don’t get me wrong but -” the mint-haired man shook his head. “Excuse me.” He got up and left.

“I’m going to the bathroom.” Hosoek said and he got up. Namjoon understood, he could see it in his eyes. The dancer needed a break from the tension, some fresh air.

“I’m sorry, Joon-ah.” Jimin spoke, his voice soft and sad. Namjoon looked at him and his heart dropped to the floor. The man looked like he was ready to start crying.

“Why are you apologizing? You don’t have anything to be sorry for.” the ex-leader attempted to reassure.

“I - I feel guilty. I’ve sort of been pushing this agenda on you two. I know you guys broke up but I didn’t really know how  _ bad _ it was. I mean, I talked to Jin-hyung but that’s only one story. I - I’m being insensitive in regards to your feelings and I’m sorry. I just-”

“Jimin.” Namjoon cut him off, voice gentle. “You really don’t have anything to apologize for. I understand where you’re coming from. Yoongi is… he’s just protective because he held me the entire time I broke down until I left and he knows some other things in regards to how I dealt with the break up. Look, I have a lot of respect for him but sometimes I do need someone to just give me that push and he doesn’t do that. Which is understandable and totally fine, too. But you do, and I am also grateful for that.” Namjoon gave him a soft smile. “Please don’t apologize or beat yourself up over this, okay?” Jimin nodded, though his face still remained sad.

“So what are you going to do about it, hyung? About your feelings?” Taehyung asked, though he was a bit shy. Namjoon shrugged.

“Spend some more time figuring shit out, I guess. I’m still trying to debate on whether this is what I want or not. If I want to give this another shot or not. A large part of me does but there is still so much unspoken fear boiling in my head that it’s hard to admit it to him. I think I just need some more time to sort of… get that under wraps.” the rapper admitted and the two vocalists nodded in understanding.

Yoongi and Hoseok returned to the room. Hosoek was silent, though Yoongi seemed to be a bit more relaxed. He wasn’t as tense as he was when he left, his fiance not as skittish either. Yoongi pulled Jimin into a hug, murmuring a sorry for the way he responded.

“It’s okay, hyung. I was being stupid.” Jimin said innocently and while the rapper rolled his eyes, there was a small smile tugging at his lips.

The five of them sat there for a few more hours, subject changing almost instantly. Namjoon was grateful for this. He didn’t really want the spotlight on him, plus he found it easier to listen to everyone without saying much. That way, he could also use the things he heard and his own memories to reflect on the decisions he’s going to have to make.

Does he still want Jin?

Does he not want Jin?

These questions play a dangerous game in his head… and he finally decides to push them away.

Perhaps forgetting about it for the moment will bring him some peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!! I'll have the next chapter published March 5th :)

**Author's Note:**

> Thank u for reading. Pls leave a comment!!!!


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